Parenting Insights
When my first child arrived, it felt as if I had lost my ability to breathe. While I could physically take in air, the emotional weight of motherhood made it challenging to prioritize my own needs. The love I felt for this tiny being overshadowed everything else; how could I think of myself when she depended on me for everything? It was as if my heart was ready to surrender all for her.
Fast forward ten months, and I found myself at a loss. I struggled to give her a simple sippy cup. Everything I did seemed inadequate for this precious child I had devoted myself to. She would not let me comfort her or even be near her. Instead, her focus was solely on my partner. Friends labeled it the “Mommy Phase,” but in a home with two moms, this was perplexing. I was Mama too!
Such behavior is not uncommon, and at that moment, I felt like the unwanted parent. I attributed her preference to the fact that I hadn’t carried her; my body hadn’t nurtured her. While I was adept at midnight feedings, my physical presence didn’t seem to matter. It felt like a primal bond existed between her and my partner that I couldn’t penetrate.
Months passed filled with feelings of rejection. I tried to remind myself that her tantrums were not a measure of my worth as a parent. When she would scream and dash into the bathroom to be with my partner, I did my best not to take it to heart. The moments when she yelled “Mama!” and then darted past me toward my partner felt like a knife to my heart.
Interestingly, my partner didn’t relish this preferential treatment either. While it was nice to receive affection from our child, the burden of being the sole caregiver for every little thing became overwhelming. My partner had to handle bath times, nighttime cuddles, and even meal preparations, all to avoid the inevitable meltdowns from our child. It was frustrating for her as well.
I sought guidance from my father-in-law, hoping he had experienced similar favoritism with his children. Indeed, he had. “How did you cope?” I inquired, looking for wisdom. His response was surprising: “I played tennis. What else was I supposed to do?” Not the answer I expected, but perhaps he was onto something.
Ultimately, there was little I could do but wait it out. Just as quickly as she had turned away from me, my daughter began to show me affection again. It was as if she had resolved an internal conflict unbeknownst to me, and I’d somehow done or said the right thing to earn her love back.
A few years later, the same scenario unfolded with our twins. By then, my older daughter had shifted her affections toward me, sensing that her other mama would be occupied with the new arrivals. Bringing the twins home coincided with our move to a new house, and once again, I faced the challenge of connecting with these newborns. I was concerned about my ability to love them fully, but I was aware that they too would eventually go through a phase of rejecting me.
Around their first birthday, I once more felt like the non-preferred parent, even as the stay-at-home caregiver. For six months, the twins clung to my partner whenever she attempted to leave for preschool drop-off or work. It was disheartening, but I learned to manage my feelings better. Once my partner was gone, the twins and I would settle into our day together.
In hindsight, when my partner returned home and the hard work I had put into our day seemed forgotten, I wasn’t as affected. I understood that their preferences would shift again. Instead of playing tennis, I took the time to appreciate the moments when I wasn’t being pursued by tiny hands. Just like before, a switch flipped, and my twins displayed the bond we shared.
If you’re grappling with feelings of rejection from your toddler or grappling with their unwavering attachment to one parent, remember: you are not alone. This behavior is typical for toddlers. While it can be frustrating, it is completely normal. For additional insights into parenting and home insemination, you can explore resources like March of Dimes, which provides excellent guidance on pregnancy, and Nobel Prize for authoritative knowledge on the topic.
In summary, the journey through parenthood often includes phases of preference that can feel isolating, but they are part of a normal developmental process. Embrace the moments and be patient; the love will return.