The latest snarky, condescending remark I received about my parenting was: “I can only imagine how well chocolate milk pairs with the donuts you send in her lunch.” Pretty annoying, right? Who would be so dismissive about packing a couple of powdered donuts for their first-grader’s lunch? You might be surprised to learn that I receive such judgmental comments almost weekly. Other areas I’ve been criticized for include screen time, extracurricular activities, and even what my kids wear. You might wonder why I haven’t cut this person entirely out of my life—who needs that kind of negativity?
Well, I did try to cut him out after our divorce over two years ago. Unfortunately, I still have to read his emails because he has 50% custody of our children. We even have a court-ordered parenting coach to help us improve communication, yet the criticism continues.
This is the harsh reality of co-parenting with a narcissist. As parents, we are inundated with mixed messages about how to raise our kids. From decisions about circumcision to college applications, everyone seems to have an opinion. Thankfully, we’re also encouraged to trust our instincts and ignore the noise. But show me a mother who doesn’t worry about making a mistake that could affect her child’s future, and I’ll show you a unicorn. Parenting is filled with doubts, much like Swiss cheese is filled with holes.
Anyone with multiple children knows that each one—regardless of the similarities in their upbringing—is as unique as a snowflake. Adjusting your parenting style requires practice, intuition, and an open mindset. Unfortunately, criticism often breeds self-doubt, which can undermine our decisions.
While most criticism comes from clickbait headlines or well-meaning friends, the other parent—the one who is supposed to be your ally in raising children—should ideally provide support. When the world tells you you’re a terrible parent, you would hope that your co-parent would counterbalance that negativity. After all, you should be on the same team—Team Happy Kids.
But when you’re dealing with an abuser or a narcissist, their viewpoint is always skewed. Whether it’s the swim goggles you choose or the winter coat you buy, nothing will ever meet their standards. They’ll criticize your choices like the chocolate milk that never pairs well with the donuts you packed, despite knowing they’re her favorite.
Ironically, I have my critical ex-husband to thank for my resilience. Although he will never approve of my parenting decisions—the mother who gave up so much for our children—his constant judgment has made me immune to criticism.
When strangers glare at me for taking my 4-year-old to see Star Wars on a school night, I hardly bat an eye. If another parent makes a passive-aggressive comment about my child being “lively,” I shrug it off. I’ve learned to not let the judgment of others affect me, and I have my ex-husband to thank for that.
If I can learn to let his contempt roll off my back, anyone else’s opinions are just background noise. The one person who should be supporting me in raising our children is not only absent from that role but actively trying to undermine my efforts. This dynamic has forced me to become a stronger, more confident parent. I can’t afford to lower my guard because I’m the only one who truly cares about how this all plays out.
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In summary, dealing with a critical ex-husband while co-parenting can be challenging, but it can also lead to personal growth. The key is to focus on what really matters—raising happy, healthy children—regardless of outside noise.