When my partner and I tied the knot, we envisioned a future filled with children. Our plan was for him to climb the corporate ladder while I pursued my graduate studies. We cherished lazy weekends and spontaneous trips, fully immersed in our carefree life as a couple without kids.
However, five years into our marriage, I received a diagnosis of an autoimmune condition that shifted everything. Being insulin-dependent meant that pregnancy could pose significant risks for both me and the baby. After much deliberation, we decided that adoption would be our path to parenthood.
The moment of becoming parents arrived unexpectedly. One Saturday, as we painted our kitchen, our phone rang. A social worker asked if we would like to consider adopting a newborn girl who had just been born. Stunned, we immediately agreed. Just two hours later, we received another call—her birth mother had chosen us. In a flurry of excitement, we packed the car, installed a car seat, and made the trip to meet our daughter.
Initially, raising a black child felt similar to raising a white child—newborns need feeding, bathing, diaper changes, and plenty of sleep. We were lost in the joy and exhaustion typical of new parents. Then, when our daughter was about five months old, we encountered an unexpected moment in Target. Two black women approached us; after a warm greeting, the older woman said, “Your baby’s hair is dry.” I was taken aback—was this stranger really questioning my parenting skills?
Seeing my surprise, she added, “It doesn’t matter to me that you’re white. Your baby’s hair needs care. Come with me.” Intrigued, we followed her as she showed us the right products for our daughter’s hair and skin, transforming my feelings of pride into humility and gratitude.
Fast forward to today, and my partner and I are the proud parents of four black children. Over a decade into our parenting journey, we embrace our multiracial family identity. While we’ve made our share of mistakes, we’ve also achieved significant milestones. Yet, as time passes, the worry grows.
We’ve learned that parents of children of color—regardless of whether they’re biological or not—carry a unique set of concerns. The truth is, raising kids with darker skin tones in America can be daunting. Our children face a reality devoid of the privileges that come with being white.
To foster racial confidence in our kids, we ensure they have mentors, and my daughters have hair care specialists while my son has a barber. We actively seek out a community, attending a predominantly African American church and surrounding ourselves with multiracial families. It’s essential for our kids to build connections with their birth families as well, as representation is crucial for their development.
We’ve learned to care for their hair and have open conversations about racism and the concept of #BlackExcellence. Our children are familiar with figures like Dr. King, Harriet Tubman, and the significance of events like Juneteenth. We’re vigilant about their safety, understanding that tragedies like Tamir Rice’s can affect our kids too. Our home is filled with music from diverse artists, teaching our children the importance of representation across all genres.
People have sometimes accused me of being overly focused on race, questioning whether this emphasis could lead to resentment in my children. I firmly believe it’s better to be “too much” in terms of advocacy than to fall short. But I often find myself asking: How much is truly enough?
Despite our efforts to educate and empower our children, we can’t shield them from the harsh truths of being black in America. My older daughters faced racial slurs at ages four and six, and my son was called a “cute little thug” at just two. The white privilege my partner and I experience doesn’t extend to them, especially as they grow older.
I constantly evaluate whether we’re providing adequate support. We’ve built a network of friends and mentors of color to guide us, knowing we can never fully understand their experiences.
Being chosen as our children’s parents is an honor, and every time someone from their community steps in to help, I feel grateful. Throughout the years, we have cultivated a loving and affirming environment for our children. However, the weight of the realities faced by people with brown skin is never far from our minds.
While there’s immense joy in our multiracial family, the fears inherent in parenting children of color remain. I lean on my faith, intuition, and our support network, hoping that we’ll navigate this journey successfully.
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Summary: The journey of raising children of color can be filled with anxiety and worry for adoptive parents. While there are challenges, the importance of fostering racial confidence and navigating their realities is paramount. With support from mentors and a community, these parents strive to provide a loving and affirming environment while facing societal realities.