Parenting can be a challenging journey, especially when one child constantly requires more attention due to their unique needs. My eldest son, Jake, is an extraordinary child—curious, intelligent, and often humorous. However, he is also our “squeaky wheel.”
Since early childhood, Jake has faced sensory processing challenges that manifest as various behaviors requiring significant attention. In contrast, my younger son, Leo, experiences milder sensory issues and is generally easier to manage. Because of Jake’s heightened sensitivities, he often needs special accommodations that unfortunately leave Leo feeling overlooked. Jake is more prone to sensory overload, quicker to have meltdowns, and generally more anxious, which means he demands more of our time and resources, including therapy sessions and medical appointments.
As parents, my partner and I often feel like we’re navigating a minefield around Jake. To maintain peace and avoid his frequent outbursts, we’ve sometimes catered to his needs, inadvertently sidelining Leo. One memorable occasion occurred during a holiday boat parade. As we settled on the crowded lawn, Jake noticed a vendor selling light-up toys and asked for one. My budget-conscious partner reluctantly agreed.
After receiving a balloon, Jake spotted another vendor and asked for yet another toy. My partner firmly said, “No! You just got one.” With the crowds and noise pushing him closer to sensory overload, Jake began to unravel, pleading, “But, Daddy, PLEEEAAASSSEEE!” I could predict the impending meltdown and, against my better judgment, decided to take Jake to look at the other toys. My partner’s glare conveyed his disapproval.
After a lengthy deliberation over the toys, Jake finally chose one, while Leo picked his within moments and waited patiently. When I tried to pay, the vendor informed me they only accepted cash, triggering a meltdown that attracted the attention of onlookers. I ended up carrying a screaming Jake to the car, while my partner managed Leo and packed our belongings.
Reflecting on that day still brings me to tears. If I could rewind time, I would have taken Jake to the car at the first sign of distress, allowing my partner and Leo to enjoy the parade without interruption. Sadly, this was not an isolated incident. In attempts to keep the peace, I’ve made poor parenting choices over the years. As the saying goes, the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and Jake has received more than his fair share.
There are sleepless nights filled with guilt about how our parenting dynamics have affected both boys. I worry that Leo feels neglected or pressured to compensate for Jake’s behavior. Research indicates that siblings of children with developmental challenges often experience a range of emotions, from jealousy and confusion to feelings of guilt and isolation.
However, it’s not all doom and gloom. Children in these situations often develop admirable traits, such as empathy, resilience, and kindness. On those heavy-hearted nights, I remind myself of these positive attributes while striving to better meet Leo’s needs.
Here are six strategies to ensure your typically developing child feels supported:
- Seek Additional Support: Remember to prioritize your own well-being. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, reach out for help.
- Communicate Openly: Discuss your child’s struggles with both children. Keeping challenges hidden can lead to feelings of shame and confusion.
- Schedule One-on-One Time: Make it a priority to spend uninterrupted time with each child daily. This is crucial for nurturing their individual needs.
- Normalize Feelings: Acknowledge the complex emotions siblings may feel toward a brother or sister with challenges. Validate those feelings and let them know it’s okay to express them.
- Create a Safe Space for Expression: Encourage your child to express their emotions through drawing or journaling. Provide opportunities to talk about their feelings.
- Simplify Daily Routines: Reducing the number of transitions can help both you and your children feel more balanced and less stressed.
It’s essential to recognize signs that your typically developing child may need extra support, such as changes in eating or sleeping habits, increased anxiety, or withdrawal from activities. If you notice these signs, don’t hesitate to consult a pediatrician for further guidance.
Parenting is undoubtedly challenging, especially when navigating the complexities of special needs. But remember, you’re not alone. Take a deep breath, extend grace to yourself, and know that positive change is possible. You and your children can thrive.
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Summary
Parenting can be tough, especially when one child demands more attention due to sensory processing challenges. By acknowledging the emotional needs of all children and implementing thoughtful strategies, you can create a more balanced family dynamic. Seek support, communicate openly, and prioritize individual time with each child to foster understanding and empathy.