Parenting
When My Tween Faces Challenges, the Phrase ‘How Can I Help?’ Works Wonders by Emily Carter
Updated: Feb. 11, 2020
Originally Published: April 23, 2019
Most of the time, when my children encounter a problem, I can quickly devise a solution. Typically, when I pitch my idea, it’s received as the valuable insight it is, implemented, and leads to success. After all, I’m a savvy mom brimming with clever ideas to guide my kids through any hurdle. record scratch But then my eldest turned 12, and everything shifted.
In the year since my son’s twelfth birthday, I’ve noticed that my maternal guidance has quietly been pushed aside, much like his old action figures and toy airplanes. sweeps dust off shoulders Alright, maybe I’m being a tad dramatic. I know my son still values my opinion—at least occasionally, since he does ask for it from time to time. However, I’ve learned that I should refrain from offering unsolicited advice. If I do, he either insists that he “already knows” what I’m talking about or claims I’m simply mistaken, declaring that he “just learned about this in school, Mom.” To his credit, he’s usually right.
This is completely typical tween behavior. My son is navigating his path to independence; the last thing he desires when he’s frustrated is for me to swoop in and save the day. The real challenge arises when he genuinely cannot handle a situation on his own—when he needs assistance but doesn’t recognize it or feels overwhelmed and angry. These moments are particularly tough, especially when he’s grappling with a complex homework problem. His math skills have advanced to a level that I can’t even follow anymore, and we both know it.
In these moments, he becomes extremely frustrated, often to the point of pulling his hair out, and I can sense his added frustration from realizing that he’s on his own. Unfortunately, when I suggest things like “Take a deep breath; you can do this” or “Have you reached out to any friends in the same class?” he only becomes more agitated. He snaps back that “No, he can’t do this” or “No, his friends can’t help; they’re just as lost as he is,” punctuating his frustration with a fist on the counter.
There have been instances when his snippiness has pushed me to react harshly. I’ve told him to change his attitude or face consequences, or I’ve told him to retreat to his room if he wants to act like a grumpy brat. While I’m right to expect respectful behavior, my demands for him to act differently are futile in those intense moments. He’s grappling with a rapidly maturing brain that struggles to manage overwhelming emotions. It’s not his fault that he can’t handle things properly yet. He certainly needs to learn, but he can’t do that when he’s seeing red.
Fortunately, I’ve discovered an effective strategy: four simple words that have transformed how my son and I navigate these tough times: “How can I help?”
I can’t take credit for this revelation. My friend Sarah, a former clinical therapist who worked with many children, suggested I give it a try. Let me tell you, it’s a game changer.
“How can I help?” This simple question alters the entire dynamic. It empowers my son to choose whether he wants assistance because sometimes he genuinely doesn’t want a solution. He’s at an age where I need to respect his need for space to work through challenges independently.
“How can I help?” It also allows him to dictate what form assistance will take if he does want it. Perhaps he’s looking for advice, maybe he needs a moment of silence, or he might simply require a snack or some extra paper.
“How can I help?” He can easily say he doesn’t need anything right now, but posing the question reassures him that I’m available if he changes his mind. We all understand that sense of comfort that comes from knowing support is nearby if needed. This inquiry builds a bridge to autonomy—I’m not rushing in to save my child; I’m letting him know he’s not alone.
Just last week, when my son was in tears over his advanced algebra homework, I asked him this question. Initially, I tried offering solutions, but that only heightened his frustration. Then I remembered the magic words.
He did want help. You know what he asked for? A hug. Yes, a simple hug. I wrapped my arms around him, and I felt his body relax. He returned to his work and, although still frustrated, made some progress. A little later, I popped in and offered another hug, which he gladly accepted. This time, since he was calmer, I suggested he take deep breaths and offered to grab him a snack. He agreed. A short while later, I offered another hug, and while he accepted, he was much more composed and focused on his task, needing only a quick hug before diving back in.
Maybe next time I ask, he’ll want my opinion or to brainstorm ideas together. Or perhaps he’ll say he prefers to tackle his challenges independently. It’s fascinating how, with tweens, sometimes allowing them to find their own footing can strengthen the bond between us. I know my son craves independence, but I also recognize that he still needs me—maybe not all the time, but certainly at times. Part of his journey to independence involves learning when he needs my support and when he doesn’t. My role is to provide him with the space to make those choices.
For more insights on navigating parenting challenges, check out this article about home insemination kits, and for guidance on overcoming performance anxiety, visit this resource. Additionally, this center offers excellent resources for pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, embracing the phrase “How can I help?” fosters independence while still providing support, allowing my tween to navigate challenging moments with confidence.