Nestled in the charming riverfront town of Wilmington, North Carolina, we enjoy a picturesque Southern lifestyle without the heaviness often associated with it. With breathtaking views of the Cape Fear River, proximity to beautiful beaches, and a vibrant nightlife, our community seems like a perpetual celebration of love. Weddings abound, with riverboats hosting joyful couples and their guests, each bride spinning in her elegant gown while friends revel in their designer attire.
Just two weekends ago, my husband and I savored a sunny afternoon at a local brewery with our boys. As we relaxed, a lively group of wedding-goers approached, debating the ceremony’s start time and their next destination. They were youthful, radiant, and exuded charm.
I glanced at my husband and reminisced, “Do you recall the weekends when we were in their shoes? When that was us?” Our fingertips brushed lightly before our spirited three-year-old’s antics interrupted.
Fast forward to the following weekend, I found myself deep in heartfelt conversations with friends for two consecutive days. While I appreciated their openness, a sense of sadness loomed. The recurring theme among our discussions? Divorce.
My friends echoed similar sentiments, and their words struck a chord within me, amplifying my own concerns. As women, we seem to be undergoing a significant transformation. We’ve transitioned from carefree weekends steeped in romance to grappling with our identities and questioning the state of our marriages. Many of us are asking ourselves two crucial questions: 1) Would I find more happiness outside this marriage? and 2) Am I demonstrating a healthy relationship for my children?
There’s a palpable sense of fear and confusion. Right now, marriage feels burdened.
At this stage in our lives, we yearn for a future, yet we’re tethered to the past. Old grievances and hurtful words linger, but we also cling to dreams of exotic vacations and the lifestyles we aspire to. Approaching those golden years, we can almost feel the warmth of newfound freedom, yet we struggle to find the time to read a book.
With each passing year of motherhood, we evolve, gaining confidence, but we also crave reassurance—a simple hug that says, “You are amazing. I cherish you. Don’t change; you’re perfect just as you are.”
Life isn’t exactly fun; it’s filled with drop-offs, pickups, team schedules, and the demands of daily life, like cooking frozen chicken nuggets. All we desire is for our partners to infuse some joy into our routines.
We’ve navigated numerous transitions and feel drained, as if we have nothing left to give. Yet, every day brings new emotional demands, lessons to impart, and Band-Aids to apply. We long to feel attractive and desirable, yet we often find ourselves carrying muddy children indoors, wiping snot on our sleeves.
Life is undoubtedly challenging. It’s a beautiful journey—one of the most blessed adventures I will ever embark upon—but it’s also messy. Amid the chaos, our marriages often become entangled, and sometimes, they risk being swept away.
Transitions are inherently tough, especially as we move from the sleepless newborn phase to the freedom-seeking preschool years. Parenting is a series of transitions.
What I do know is that marriage requires effort from both partners. At times, it resembles a newborn child that needs nurturing, attention, and a fresh start, despite inevitable setbacks. You have to commit to weathering the tough times while believing that your relationship will emerge stronger.
I wish our partners could better understand what we’re experiencing—those unspoken changes within our hearts and minds. Sometimes, I want to shake them and plead, “Just hold us more often, prepare dinner occasionally, and love us. Ask us questions, show genuine interest, and love us.”
For my friends, the path ahead is unclear. Unless there is abuse or infidelity, it can be tough to determine when it’s time to part ways. Like the riverboats that glide by, the most idyllic unions can conceal murky waters beneath the surface.
I recognize that I’m in a loving relationship, one where both of us are committed to making it work, even if it sometimes feels burdensome. Yet, my marriage also brings me more joy and fulfillment than anything else (even if marriage itself is often viewed as disposable). I plan to endure through these transitions, nurture my relationship, and see where it leads us as we approach our golden years. Then I want to urge our partners: “Cherish this love. Treat marriage like the new life it is.”
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