In just over a month, my partner, Lexi, and I will be marking a decade of marriage. Like any couple, we’ve faced our share of challenges, even attending couples therapy on two occasions. I often quip that if something were to happen to Lexi, I wouldn’t consider marrying again; the effort involved in a relationship is immense—deciphering body language, adjusting to changing preferences, and navigating major life decisions like purchasing a home and starting a family. Yet, my love for Lexi is unwavering, and thankfully, most days, we genuinely enjoy each other’s company.
When we first started dating years ago, we were caught up in the excitement of a new relationship: the nerves, the closeness, the dates, and the laughter shared over a bottle of wine. As we created our niche in the LGBTQIA+ community, terms like “inclusivity” and “gay marriage” became part of our vocabulary, driven by a small but passionate group advocating for equal rights.
True inclusivity extends beyond legislative changes; it encompasses genuine follow-through. It’s about using affirming language and taking meaningful actions to recognize families like ours as equal. The Massachusetts government’s acknowledgment of a nonbinary couple, Ty and their partner, as parents on their official page represents a significant step forward.
This is a commendable achievement, yet Massachusetts should not stand alone in this effort; other states must follow suit, as families like ours exist everywhere, every day of the year.
Even before I met Lexi in 2008, I had always wanted children. Our relationship began with an adoption journey I had started prior to meeting her. By the third email we exchanged, she knew I envisioned expanding our family further. In 2011, we tied the knot, and by 2014, we were ready to welcome another child. Thanks to in-vitro fertilization (IVF), we were blessed with twins, and the joy we felt upon seeing them on the ultrasound was indescribable.
Fast forward to our seventh month of pregnancy, and we found ourselves navigating the logistics of our growing family: creating a birthing plan, arranging childcare for our son during the hospital stay, and shopping for everything from diapers to strollers. As a same-sex couple, we faced unique concerns that heterosexual couples might take for granted—issues like whose name appears on the birth certificate or who qualifies for family leave.
The Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA), enacted in 1993, guarantees essential job security for all families, regardless of sexual orientation or family structure, offering 12 weeks of unpaid leave. In Massachusetts, employees are entitled to up to 26 weeks of paid leave—a remarkable benefit that allows families to bond without the stress of financial strain. However, the amount of leave is subject to each state’s discretion, and the eligibility of same-sex parents must always be included.
Understanding the history of the fight for same-sex rights can be overwhelming but is crucial in recognizing the challenges that still lie ahead. In 2004, San Francisco became the first city to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, despite state law prohibiting it. The struggle continued with various states enacting bans on recognizing same-sex marriages. It wasn’t until 2013 that significant changes were made to the FMLA, making it more inclusive of same-sex families, and it took until 2015 for same-sex marriage to be legalized across all 50 states. The courageous individuals behind landmark Supreme Court cases like Obergefell v. Hodges and United States v. Windsor paved the way for this progress, and now, in 2021, we are beginning to see our families accurately represented in inclusive language—thanks to Massachusetts!
Paid family leave allows families to prioritize their well-being, whether for birthing or adopting children. It’s disheartening to think about being denied entry into the delivery room simply because we don’t fit the “traditional” family mold. As I prepared for my c-section, I could sense Lexi’s anxiety as she imagined being excluded from critical moments. Heterosexual couples typically do not experience this kind of fear regarding their rights as parents.
While the anxieties swirled in Lexi’s mind—“What if they don’t recognize me as a parent?” or “What if they forget I’m here because I’m not a man?”—we remained confident in our choice of hospital. Still, as a same-sex couple, particularly as two women of color, a constant sense of worry accompanied us, and our list of concerns about acceptance grew.
When a couple from the LGBTQIA+ community is acknowledged positively on a government website, like Ty and their partner, it represents a small but significant victory for all of us. By adopting inclusive language that recognizes diverse family structures, we take steps closer to full acceptance in all aspects of life. Let’s continue striving for equality, not just in words but through actions and legal frameworks.
Thank you, Massachusetts! Now, it’s time for the other 49 states to step up. Language matters, we matter, and our families do too.
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Summary: The article discusses the importance of inclusivity, particularly for same-sex couples, using Massachusetts as a benchmark for recognition and rights. It reflects on the personal experiences of the author and emphasizes the need for all states to adopt inclusive policies and language regarding LGBTQIA+ families.