Every day, my seven-year-old daughter races off the bus and dashes up our long driveway, leaping straight into my arms. I shower her with kisses and ask about her day before we head inside for a much-needed snack. There’s no hesitation in our affection; we are completely engaged in our silly routine. The same goes for my youngest, who often shares my bed. She clings to me, telling me how much she loves me, and I can’t resist scooping her up for a cuddle. It’s all quite ridiculous, but it’s our special bond.
Then, there are my two tween daughters. Recently, I came to a surprising realization: I had let go of the physical affection that they still desperately need. I’m not sure when it happened or why I stopped, but I found myself withdrawing from giving them those hugs, bedtime snuggles, and kisses that had once been a staple of our interactions.
Tweens are navigating a confusing phase of life. One moment, they’re asking for a PB&J, and the next, they’re demanding a smartphone, slamming their doors, and declaring their disdain for us. Their emotions are like a rollercoaster, especially with the onset of puberty and all the social pressures that come with it. They work hard to project independence, often trying to convince us they’re all grown up, but sometimes they slip back into their younger selves, reminding us that they still need our love.
One day, while juggling dinner preparations with my kids around me, my oldest daughter simply called out to me, “Mommy.” That one word struck me like a bolt of lightning. When was the last time I heard that? She wanted to share an essay she was proud of—a moment that reignited my understanding of her need for connection. It was then I realized how much I had neglected to show affection to my tweens, underestimating their desire for it as they grew.
I spent several days grappling with guilt. Was I trying to respect their space and independence, or had I just become a bit lazy in my parenting? Whatever the cause, it was clear that my tweens needed my love more than I had been willing to give.
I decided to create a connection list for each of my daughters, identifying their individual love languages and the activities they enjoy. For instance, I surprised my oldest with gold star decals for her room, ensuring that we had quality one-on-one time. We decorated her wall together while enjoying some jazz music, and I made sure to express how proud I was of her efforts.
On the other hand, my younger tween prefers to bond through conversation rather than hugs. We engage in lighthearted discussions, play “would you rather,” and explore her extensive collection of superhero books. While our topics may not be profound, these moments of connection are essential for her.
By spending quality time together, we’ve built a strong foundation of trust, making it easier to tackle tougher subjects. I remember how challenging being a tween was for me in the ’90s, but today’s tweens face even more significant challenges, from social media pressures to issues like vaping and anxiety. The connection we’ve nurtured allows them to discuss difficult topics more freely.
It’s been a short time since this revelation, and while I initially felt ashamed for not recognizing my tweens’ needs sooner, I now appreciate the significance of that simple moment when she called me “Mommy.” It has sparked a positive change in our relationship, bringing us closer than ever.
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In summary, recognizing the ongoing need for affection in my tweens’ lives has transformed our family dynamic. By actively engaging with each of my children according to their unique love languages, we not only maintain our bond but also lay the groundwork for open conversations about life’s challenges.