Last night was a classic example of a parenting misstep. I found myself utterly lost in uncharted territory as a parent.
My three-year-old, Lily, has been enrolled in swimming lessons for nine weeks. However, at the start of last night’s class, there was a mix-up that left her momentarily bewildered about where to go. Her instructor gently patted her head to reassure her, but as her class proceeded toward the showers, I watched as she began to unravel.
She anxiously scanned the crowd of parents, locked eyes with me, and hurried over. Collapsing into my arms, she burst into tears. Although this reaction was uncharacteristic for her, I understood the root of her distress. I had noticed her confusion at the beginning of class but had assumed she would bounce back. I was mistaken.
The tears and the tight grip she had on me signaled that I needed to employ some expert negotiation tactics, but internally, I was in a panic. This is not my child. Why is she acting like this? I tried to maintain a positive demeanor as I pulled out every trick from my parenting playbook.
- “Let’s take deep breaths!”
- “How about a little walk to calm down, then we’ll come right back?”
- “Why don’t we just dip your toes in the pool until you feel ready?”
Nothing seemed to work. In fact, her mood was plummeting. Now, she was wailing loudly, “I want to go homeeeeeeee!”
My compassion was wearing thin. I was losing control. I reminded myself that a three-year-old does not dictate our schedule. I AM THE PARENT. We were not leaving. I was determined to turn this around.
Shifting my strategy, I realized that my upbeat approach wasn’t effective. I transformed into Stern Mommy, who meant business. Surely, a tone change would encourage her to cooperate.
- “GET in the pool.”
- “You do this every week.”
- “Right now. Get in. Get in. Right now.”
By this point, her tears had dried, but she was resolute. She stared back at me defiantly, standing her ground.
“No. I’m not getting in.”
Stern Mommy had exited the aquatic center, and Desperate Mommy was now in full swing. I resorted to threats, crouching down to her level even though I regretted my long-sleeved shirt in the sweltering heat of the pool area.
- “If you don’t learn to swim now, we can’t go swimming at Nana’s this summer.”
- “Good. I don’t want to swim at Nana’s.”
- “If you don’t get in, we’re not coming back next week.”
- “Good. I don’t want to come back.”
- “If you don’t get in, we’re going home, and you won’t get to read ANY books tonight.”
- “Good. I don’t want to read.”
With every threat, my desperation grew. I knew deep down that this wasn’t the right approach, but I felt trapped. After 30 minutes of this back-and-forth, I finally relented, taking her by the hand—perhaps a bit too firmly—and headed to the parking lot, utterly humiliated. Silence filled the car ride home.
Lily doesn’t usually act this way. She’s brave, well-behaved, and sweet. If she does show her stubborn side, it’s rarely in public. But if I’m honest, she can also be shy. She takes time to warm up, and when uncomfortable, she shows signs of nervousness. Often, she masks her feelings with a brave face, but moments of uncertainty can lead to a breakdown.
Instead of embracing Lily’s emotions and recognizing it as a tough day, I nearly lost my composure. I was embarrassed by her resistance and frustrated with myself for not handling it better.
In truth, neither of us emerged victorious.
Later, while she prepared for bed, still a bit pouty, I reminded her that I loved her. As I left her room, I suggested, “Let’s not think about swimming lessons tonight and start fresh tomorrow.”
Start fresh tomorrow—advice I needed to heed myself.
In my short journey as a parent, I’m learning how inadequate moments like these can make me feel. They can strike suddenly, often when I’m riding high on the thought of “my child would never…” Perhaps these instances serve to ground me and teach humility. Maybe toddlers are simply unpredictable creatures with limited reasoning abilities. Whatever the case, I’ve come to realize that parenting has its ups and downs. I have my “good mom” days and my bad ones. This was certainly a bad one. I felt lost and uncertain. Even in the moment, I recognized I wasn’t at my best, but I allowed myself to sulk and resolved to follow my own advice.
I’ll start over tomorrow as well.
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Summary: This article recounts a challenging experience of a mother, Emily, during her daughter’s swimming lesson. Despite her efforts to remain calm and supportive, the situation escalated into a conflict, revealing the unpredictability of parenting. Ultimately, the mother reflects on her feelings of inadequacy and resolves to start anew the next day, recognizing that parenting comes with its share of ups and downs.