Parenting
Some days, my mind feels like a tumultuous storm. Just yesterday, for instance, I found myself shrouded in a cloud of depression that dulled my every thought. Despite the beautiful summer day outside, everything felt overshadowed. The joyous laughter of my children turned into nothing more than an irritating noise, and my connections with loved ones felt superficial. I was left feeling hollow.
On most days, when the weight of depression begins to press down, I can pull myself out of it. I’ve acquired tools throughout my journey that often help me break free from my thoughts. Engaging in life, whether it’s taking my kids to the park, chatting with a friend, or tidying up the house, usually brings me some relief.
However, there are times when immersing myself in activity isn’t enough. On those occasions, the depression can be overwhelmingly thick, and the sun streaming through the windows seems blinding. I long for solitude.
My partner, Mark, doesn’t experience depression. He can’t grasp what it feels like to be isolated in a crowded room or to step outside into the fresh air after days of confinement. He doesn’t understand the emptiness that washes over me when my child beams at me but I feel nothing in return.
It can be easy for those who don’t suffer from depression to view life from an outside perspective, identifying all the rational reasons for happiness. Yet, depression is anything but rational. It thrives on irrationality.
Years ago, I had a conversation with a friend, Sarah, who was enveloped in deep depression despite living a seemingly perfect life. She had financial stability, a loving partner, good friends, a fulfilling job, and was truly stunning. There was no logical reason for her unhappiness. I often reminded her of her blessings but failed to listen or understand the depth of her pain, focusing instead on trying to “fix” her feelings.
What I’ve come to realize is that depression can ensnare us, making it difficult for the world to see us beyond our illness. People may communicate with the shadow of our depression instead of with us directly. This disconnect can frustrate both the afflicted and those around them.
Yesterday, Mark struggled with my depression. His frustration only tightened its grip on me. He sought to understand, asking what was wrong, but I couldn’t articulate my feelings. Each unanswered question only intensified his anger, leaving us in a stifling silence. He went to bed without a word, and I felt utterly defeated.
After some time, I texted him, “Deep depression. I’m sorry.” His response was filled with more questions: Why didn’t I just say that? Next time, just inform him that I’m depressed so he doesn’t feel it’s about him.
But I can’t. That’s the paradox of depression—it silences me. I crave communication, that vital human connection, yet the condition keeps me from reaching out.
Fortunately, my episodes of depression are usually short-lived, lasting a day or two. I’ve invested considerable effort into managing it. Therapy, spirituality, discovering hobbies, and nurturing meaningful friendships have all contributed to my resilience. The most effective strategy, however, has been understanding my depression—acknowledging it, listening to its whispers, identifying its triggers, and recognizing that when action feels more like chaos and the fog is too dense, stillness is my safest refuge.
Depression seeks to compel me into action, to wreak havoc on my relationships, and even to convince me that a permanent solution to a temporary issue is logical. It whispers that the world would be better off without me. But my familiarity with my depression allows me to see through its lies. I understand that it thrives on my engagement with its falsehoods. By simply being still, listening, and refraining from acting on its irrational thoughts, I can diminish its hold on me.
Depression is a complex beast, unique to each individual. My experience differs from yours, and vice versa. Yet, we share a common ability: the power to pause.
When everything becomes overwhelming, embrace stillness.
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Summary:
This article reflects on the complexities of living with depression, illustrating how it can cloud our perception and disrupt connections with loved ones. The author highlights the importance of understanding one’s depression and finding ways to cope, including the power of stillness when overwhelmed. Recognizing that depression is different for everyone emphasizes the need for personal strategies to navigate it.