Parenting
I certainly didn’t plan to go without underwear that day. Squirming in my chair, I attempted to create as much distance as possible between myself and the woman beside me at the conference. I managed a feeble smile, praying she couldn’t detect any unpleasant odors.
Going commando was not the only thing I hadn’t anticipated. Clearly, I never intended to have an accident either.
As discreetly as the situation allowed, I dropped my pen to the floor, bending down to catch a whiff of myself. While I didn’t notice anything alarming, my confidence was still shaky.
Time dragged on.
Typically, I would have made a beeline for my office, ensuring I had ample time to take care of business. But on that day, fate had other plans. Instead, I found myself stuck in a room filled with colleagues discussing bioterrorism strategies — shortly after experiencing my own personal disaster.
I was just weeks post-surgery, a procedure that repaired damage caused by childbirth. Yes, I underwent surgery on my backside. The technical term for this operation is lateral internal sphincterotomy, performed when anal fissures—tears in the rectal area—refuse to heal. You think hemorrhoids are bad? Just wait…
My colorectal surgeon informed me that we have two sphincters in our rear ends, and we only need one. To facilitate healing, the internal sphincter is cut. (Don’t worry, I was anesthetized.) The procedure sounds horrifying (and it was), but after two years of discomfort, I was willing to try anything.
The surgery went smoothly, and I believed I was on the mend. However, that day, I learned just how crucial those two sphincters really are, and I could have used the second one for support.
After dropping my kids off, I headed to work. I usually arrived in time to use the restroom first thing, my body obeying a strict schedule. But on this occasion, I discovered that schedule was not forgiving. Instead of my usual office, I was at a different site that was a ten-minute drive further away.
About five minutes from my destination, my stomach began to rumble. By the three-minute mark, it was clear this was no false alarm. Gripping the steering wheel, I clenched tightly, willing my body to cooperate. The last thing I wanted was to have an accident!
Regrettably, I was one anal muscle short, courtesy of Dr. Sphincter. As the realization dawned that I might truly embarrass myself, I leaned forward, desperately hoping for a miracle. Sweat poured down my face as I careened into the parking lot, nearly missing a proper space. Grabbing my purse, I hurriedly walked, trying to stave off disaster. It hurt.
Fortunately, the bathrooms were conveniently located just inside the main lobby. I was early—thankfully—so no one from my meeting was around to witness my awkward waddle towards the ladies’ room.
What happened next was anything but graceful.
Relieved to be near a restroom, my body relaxed. I barely made it through the door before panic set in. I hastily shed my belongings, stumbling as I rushed toward a stall. Door wide open, I turned, yanked my pants down, and felt an overwhelming sense of relief.
You can imagine the chaos. Thankfully, the mess was mostly contained to my underwear (and my pride). I was wearing one of my favorite pairs, but in this dire situation, sentimentality had to take a backseat. Off they came, wrapped in paper towels and tossed into the trash.
I quickly wet some paper towels, gave myself a makeshift wash, and scurried back into the stall, hoping to avoid any unexpected visitors. Once I felt presentable, I took a final glance in the mirror and washed my hands one last time, just to be safe.
Eventually, my rear healed, but my ego? Well, that’s still a work in progress. If you’re navigating similar challenges, consider checking out resources like this one for additional support. For more insights on wellness, visit this website, and for excellent information on pregnancy and home insemination, click here.
In summary, we all face unexpected and humorous challenges in life, especially when it comes to parenting. Whether it’s a miscalculated moment or a medical issue, embracing the chaos can sometimes be the best way forward.