As a decisive person, I tend to confront issues directly and move on. With four kids, from toddlers to tweens, I often lack the time to ponder how to make every situation perfect. However, this quick-fix approach sometimes backfires in my parenting journey. When my tweens face dilemmas, my instinct is to swoop in like a protective Mama Bear, gather the details, and tell them what to do. Problem solved—at least, that’s what I thought.
My older kids, though, are quite capable of navigating their own challenges, and perhaps I’m in denial about their maturity. I often find myself stepping in when I shouldn’t, and there have been moments when I’ve seen disappointment in their eyes.
A conversation with a fellow mom recently shifted my perspective. She shared her struggles with parenting her young adult children and the complexities of communication as they face significant life choices about education, careers, and relationships. While the solutions may seem clear to her, her kids, still developing and sometimes confused, don’t always see the path ahead.
She revealed that rather than jumping in with solutions, she asks her children a pivotal question: “Do you want me to listen, or should I listen and offer advice?” More often than not, they ask her just to listen, although they often end up seeking her thoughts after sharing their concerns. They appreciate her insights, especially since she waits for them to ask rather than imposing her views.
This approach makes sense. Most of us dislike unsolicited advice, whether it’s from family, friends, or strangers. Critiques about our parenting choices—like how many kids we have or whether we choose to co-sleep—can be frustrating. In my own experience, I’ve received misguided suggestions on parenting my child with special needs, ranging from using essential oils to harsh discipline methods. Eye roll, anyone?
However, when someone we trust offers a listening ear, it creates a safe space for sharing without fear of judgment. Just as my friend welcomes guidance from those she trusts, I, too, value advice from knowledgeable sources—even when I initially thought I could handle things on my own.
I’ve been encouraging my children, especially my tween daughters, to solve their own problems. I want them to practice their skills and learn from their experiences. I don’t want to be the overbearing mom who swoops in at the first sign of trouble, nor do I want to be the “cool mom” trying to be their best friend—that’s just not me.
Recently, my eldest faced a dilemma at school involving a library book she allegedly hadn’t returned, leading to a $10 fine. She was understandably upset about being in trouble. Instead of taking control, I listened and asked what she thought her next steps should be. Where was the book? Had she talked to her teacher?
By asking thought-provoking questions, I found it more effective than simply telling her what to do. As it turned out, she had already returned the book, and after a conversation with her teacher, the issue was resolved. She felt proud of her ability to handle the situation independently, gaining confidence along the way.
While these moments may seem minor, they contribute significantly to our kids’ growth. If I don’t allow them to navigate challenges, how will they ever learn? Communication with tweens and teens can be tough, often requiring persistent effort to get beyond their one-word replies or sarcasm. Yet, by offering to listen instead of dominate, we provide them with a remarkable gift.
In essence, by asking whether they need a listening ear or some advice, we foster empowerment rather than dependency.
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In summary, engaging with our tweens and teens through listening rather than advising can significantly enhance their confidence and problem-solving skills. By simply asking them what type of support they need, we foster a trusting environment that empowers them.