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Parenting
By Jamie Carter
Updated: March 30, 2021
Originally Published: Oct. 17, 2019
Photo by Ba Phi/Pexels
Before I became a parent, I struggled to grasp what people meant when they said their child struggled with transitions. I never voiced it, but in my self-righteous, childless mind, I thought, “Kids just need a firm hand. If you guide them, they’ll follow.” Then I had a child who made me eat my words. I wanted to confront my pre-parent self and explain that when it comes to certain transitions, my child can react as if the world is ending if we try to shift her from one activity to another within a timeframe that doesn’t suit her. And trust me, the timeframe that works for her is never convenient for me. My youngest daughter has a tough time with transitions, and I sometimes struggle to cope with it as well.
This is yet another aspect that those parenting books never fully addressed—or maybe I overlooked it during moments when my daughter was in tears over having to halt her bead-stringing to put on her pants. She has always been sensitive to change. As a baby, she would cry whenever we moved her to the car seat, and as a toddler, she would become anxious at the sight of her other parent leaving for work. Even now, at six years old, she has a hard time with the simple act of changing clothes.
I don’t particularly love change either, but for her, it feels like a personal attack. Despite her growing independence, she continues to struggle with transitions, whether it’s time to eat, go to school, or sleep. Often, she becomes so fixated on an activity that she resists any attempt to move on, leading to chaos. She becomes unresponsive, adamant about needing more time, even when I’ve already provided it. Tantrums and frustration from both sides often ensue.
Photo by Myriam Zilles/Pixabay
Please refrain from diagnosing my child. I know that her difficulties with change stem from sensory issues and anxiety. It pains me that she can feel so overwhelmed by a world that often seems too fast, loud, and enormous for her to manage.
I’ve tried numerous strategies suggested by professionals and articles—setting timers, creating visual aids, vocal reminders, and ensuring she’s aware of our plans. Sometimes these approaches yield results, but more often than not, she’s still in emotional turmoil during the process, and I find myself lacking the time and patience to respond with the empathy and creativity I wish I could muster.
I also have two other children, both of whom require guidance through transitions. They may not need as much assistance, but they can be just as challenging when it’s time to follow instructions. Meanwhile, I have my own schedule to maintain, including work and appointments. I lack the energy to turn transition times into games or to distract her into compliance. This leads to frustration on both sides—I end up yelling, and she responds in kind.
Photo by Alena Shekhovtcova/Pexels
I feel like I’m doing everything I can, yet it never seems sufficient. I’ve physically taken her from one room to another, removed projects from her hands, and compelled her to leave the house while she protested. I wish I could embody the calm, patient negotiator for each transition, but on the more exhausting days, I find myself losing patience. It’s hard not to compare her to her siblings, and I resent that her needs often deplete my ability to give attention to them.
After turbulent moments, I ensure to reconnect with her. She knows I love her, and I understand she’s trying her best. I’m trying too. This is the reality that parenting books should address—the ongoing challenge of striving to be our best selves as parents, even when that looks different for each child.
This article was originally published on Oct. 17, 2019.
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Summary: Navigating transitions can be particularly challenging for children, especially those with sensory issues and anxiety. Despite the efforts of parents to ease these changes, frustrations can arise on both sides. The journey of parenting involves recognizing individual needs and maintaining patience, even when it feels overwhelming.