As I reflect on my life at 45 years old, I recognize the immense blessings I have received. I am the proud mother of an 11-year-old daughter, a joy that words cannot adequately capture. My husband and I have shared 21 wonderful years together, and I am fulfilled as a full professor and head of my academic program. Despite this happiness, a part of me still feels unfulfilled. I yearn for another child to become a sibling for my daughter and a companion on our family’s journey.
The path to expanding our family has been fraught with challenges—natural fertility treatments, heart-wrenching miscarriages, and unsuccessful adoption attempts. The moment my obstetrician informed me that there was no heartbeat, I was unprepared for the profound sense of loss that enveloped me. Losing a baby in utero is an emotional trauma that is often overlooked, yet it represents the very essence of life extinguished.
I thought I had built a resilience against loss, having faced a miscarriage, the sudden passing of my mother, and my father’s recovery from a severe injury. However, the pain of loss is not something one can fully prepare for. In February 2018, I was grappling with my father’s remarriage, which, while a happy occasion, marked a painful farewell to my mother, who would no longer be his only wife.
Just when I thought I was navigating my grief, we received a life-changing call: a birth grandmother had selected us to raise her daughter’s infant son. The biological mother, just starting her college journey, felt unprepared for motherhood and wanted to wait until she was more settled before taking on such a significant responsibility.
Overjoyed, my husband, Jake, rushed home, while my daughter, Mia, and I embarked on a 14-hour drive to meet our new son and brother. We chose to drive to avoid exposing the baby to airplane pressure changes and germs. The day after our arrival, we spent time with his grandparents, who were kind and emotional. The grandmother and I shared tears as she faced the bittersweet reality of saying goodbye to her first grandchild. Though we planned for an open adoption, it was still a moment of profound sorrow for everyone involved.
After nearly two weeks of waiting for the ICPC paperwork to finalize the adoption, we bonded as a family, watching the Winter Olympics and enjoying each other’s company. However, our plans hit a snag when Mia had to return to school before we received permission to take Sean out of state. So, she and I flew home while my mother-in-law traveled to join Jake and the baby. A day later, the judge signed off, allowing Sean to come home to us.
Once settled at home, Sean quickly became the focus of our lives. But six weeks later, we received devastating news from our attorney: his biological mother wanted him back. The call was gut-wrenching, leaving me in tears. We had to say goodbye to Sean just two days later, a loss that was especially hard for Mia, whose innocent capacity for love made the situation even more painful.
Despite our close bond, I was unprepared for Mia’s reluctance to discuss Sean’s departure. Her teacher encouraged her and her classmates to write notes to him, but it seemed she found it easier to express her feelings to others rather than to me. I feared she might blame me for his return to his biological mother.
What I learned is that sometimes, silence can be the most supportive response when someone is grieving. Once I stopped probing Mia about her feelings and simply sat with her, she began to express her sadness and disappointment. Together, we acknowledged our emotions, which ultimately brought us closer.
My years of research on attachment had not fully prepared me for the complexities of emotional connections. Attachment is a multifaceted system that involves various individuals in our lives. Despite our efforts, we cannot shield ourselves or our children from the inevitable pains of life. True understanding of attachment comes from resilience and compassion, not just academic study.
We remain determined to adopt again, currently hoping for a baby girl due on April 27th. Although our adoption journey has been challenging, it has also been incredibly rewarding. Sean’s presence in our lives reinforced our commitment to this path.
Update: Our daughter arrived earlier than expected, and as of yesterday, we have joyfully become adoptive parents to a beautiful baby girl. Despite the ups and downs of our adoption journey, we are grateful to have two wonderful families and are thrilled to welcome a second daughter into our home.
For more insights about the journey of adoption and related topics, check out this blog. If you’re looking for authoritative advice on insemination, visit this resource and consider exploring this excellent guide for pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, navigating the emotional landscape of adoption can be challenging, requiring patience, compassion, and resilience as families grow and change.