My child was assigned female at birth (AFAB). This assignment relied solely on biological factors, which typically align with one’s identity—how individuals perceive and define themselves. However, this alignment doesn’t hold true for everyone. My child, like many others, experiences gender dysphoria, a profound sense of unease arising from the mismatch between their external appearance and internal identity.
Early in our journey of understanding and embracing my child’s identity, someone asked, “So, they’re going to tell people, right? Especially when it comes to dating?” This person clearly believed that full disclosure was essential. “Because I don’t think it’s fair for my daughter to fall for a boy and later discover he’s transgender.”
I don’t blame this parent for her inquiry. It stemmed from a place of innocent misunderstanding—something we all face when confronting unfamiliar topics—and from a protective instinct for her own child, whom she wishes to shield from heartache. While I empathize with Concerned Parent, I can’t help but feel uneasy about the assumptions her comments imply.
Understanding Gender Identity
Before I address the core of this hypothetical question, let’s clarify some terms:
- If your child identifies with the gender assigned at birth, they are cisgender.
- If they identify with the opposite gender, they are transgender.
- If they identify outside the binary of male or female, they are non-binary.
- If they are comfortable identifying as more than one gender, they are gender fluid.
- If they feel a lack of gender identity, they are agender.
How your child identifies is their choice. (For further insights, check out my post on understanding gender identity.) Similarly, your child’s sexual orientation, which is distinct from gender identity, is also theirs to define. Ultimately, the relationships they form are theirs to manage.
As a parent, it’s natural to envision your child’s future—considering their career paths, relationships, and family dynamics. However, it’s crucial to recognize that your influence over their future is limited. You can’t dictate their health, interests, or romantic choices, making the “what if” scenarios largely irrelevant.
What you can do is encourage them to think independently, set personal boundaries, and embrace their true selves. Instill in them the values of honesty, bravery, compassion, and acceptance. Teach them to trust themselves and to strive to be kind, empathetic individuals. They should be free to grow in their own way and to navigate life according to their understanding.
Addressing Concerned Parent’s Question
Now, back to Concerned Parent’s question: “They’re going to tell people, right?”
My child, a teenager, presents as a young man. He sports short, neatly cropped hair that I cut at home. He dresses in masculine clothing—striped tees, oversized hoodies, and joggers from the men’s section. His name is unmistakably male. What is there to disclose?
“Will they reveal they’re transgender while dating?”
I’m not convinced it’s my child’s responsibility to announce their transgender status. In my own experiences with online dating, I’ve never introduced myself with, “Hi, I’m Lisa, and I should mention I’m cisgender.”
That said, societal attitudes are evolving. Social norms are shifting. A quick scroll through Twitter reveals many bios including preferred pronouns, with numerous users proudly displaying pride flag emojis. Ignoring the openness and courage displayed by many in the LGBTQ+ community is a choice.
“It wouldn’t be fair for my daughter to fall in love with a transgender man.”
Let’s take a step back and remember the stages leading up to love: friendship, connection, shared interests, dating, deeper understanding, attraction, intimacy, vulnerability, and compatibility. Is it really necessary to fret about someone falling in love before discussing their identity?
Moreover, it’s presumptive and disrespectful to imply that my child would intentionally deceive someone during a relationship. If anyone were to engage in such behavior, it speaks more to their character than their gender identity. This brings us back to our role as parents: we should focus on helping our children become good people.
Questions to Consider
To close, I pose a few questions of my own:
- What if your child were the one to break my child’s heart?
- What if your child chose to date someone transgender?
- What if your own child came to you and said, “I’m transgender”?
For more insights, consider reading this informative article on home insemination and check out this authoritative resource on the topic. Additionally, the Cleveland Clinic’s podcast is an excellent resource for understanding pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, navigating conversations around gender identity and relationships requires empathy and understanding. As parents, our focus should be on teaching our children to be authentic and compassionate individuals who respect others’ identities.