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What’s Considered Normal?
by Jessica Monroe
Updated: Aug. 21, 2015
Originally Published: June 8, 2013
When my first child was just three weeks old, I found myself on the phone with my lactation consultant. “Is it, um, typical for him to cry for hours on end? Because he does, and… I’m just curious, is that what newborns do?” There was a pause before she replied, “No, that’s not typical.” That was it. No further explanation, no suggestions on what to do next, and no discussion about colic or reflux. I was left feeling like I had somehow failed my baby. My child wasn’t “normal.”
That moment marked the beginning of my complicated relationship with the concept of “normal” in parenting. “Please tell me this is typical,” my friends and I often ask one another. These words carry a heavy weight. What we’re really inquiring about is whether we’re on the right path, if we’re overlooking something crucial, or if we should reach out to a pediatrician or even a therapist. Is this just a phase, or is it something more serious?
Despite my best efforts, I find it exceedingly difficult to feel confident as a parent today. I sometimes envy my mother, who parented in a time when everyone simply followed the norm, and it all seemed to work out. Parenting felt more straightforward in the ’70s. As a new parent, I felt inundated with advice and scrutiny. The decision to breastfeed or use cloth diapers wasn’t merely personal; it felt like a political stance. Choosing organic foods or BPA-free products seemed to define our social class. The toys our kids played with—whether cheap plastic imports or high-end eco-friendly designs—spoke volumes about our parenting choices. Now that my kids are older, my worries have shifted to test preparation, school choices, and extracurricular activities. No matter what I do, I feel under the microscope.
As my children grow, I’ve discovered that the real challenges extend beyond the visible choices like diapers and bottles. The hardest issues to navigate are often the ones we hesitate to discuss openly—the intangible aspects of parenting. For instance, one of my children was an exceptionally difficult toddler, prone to intense temper tantrums. There were moments when I had to physically restrain him just to keep myself safe until he calmed down. That’s not exactly a topic that comes up in casual conversation at playgroups, is it? “Does anyone else have a child that gets so violent that you need to hold them down? Do time-outs even work for you when your kid is trying to bite you?”
Similarly, when I realized that one of my sons genuinely needed speech therapy, I struggled to find the right words to share with friends. “Oh, we can’t make it to playgroup because… well, my husband and I can barely understand what our child is saying, and while he looks older than he is, his speech still sounds infantile, so he needs therapy every week.” The topic of a child needing “help” can make people uncomfortable, even for something as common as speech therapy. It’s as if society expects us to hide our children’s needs—or our own. Meanwhile, my mind races with questions: Is he struggling to speak because I had an emergency induction at 37 weeks? If I had gone to the hospital sooner, would things be different? Is this all within a “normal” range? Will he eventually speak clearly enough that no one will even know he faced these challenges?
Over the years, I’ve worried about countless issues, both minor and major. Is it typical for one child to struggle with reading fluency and write letters and numbers backward well into kindergarten? Is it normal for a three-year-old to wake up in the night, gripped by night terrors? Is it still typical for him to do this at eight? What about one child’s fascination with his anatomy versus another’s disinterest? Is it normal for one child to become unhinged at the thought of losing a game, while another is incredibly defiant, resistant to any form of discipline? Is it normal for one of my kids to express constant fear of not being picked up from school? And what about me? Is it typical for me to lose my temper quickly, to cry easily, to carry so much worry?
I’ve realized that “normal” encompasses a wide spectrum when it comes to children, and parenting feels more like crafting a narrative than solving a mathematical equation. There isn’t just one “correct” way to approach each situation; instead, I reflect, experiment, and reinterpret the scenario until I carve out my own understanding and solutions. Parenting resembles an essay question—complex and open to interpretation. Yet, just like in some of my more challenging college classes, there are times when I feel lost and overwhelmed. That’s when I feel the most isolated. I have to carefully choose whom to confide in, seeking those who won’t judge me or my children for our perceived shortcomings or quirks. That’s when I desperately need reassurance that what I’m experiencing is “normal.”
The true fear often creeps into my thoughts at night, preventing restful sleep: what if it isn’t normal? What does that imply? Can I rectify it? Ultimately, when I plead, “Please tell me this is typical,” what I’m really asking is, “Please don’t let me mess up the lives of the most important people to me.”
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Summary:
Navigating the complexities of parenting often leads to questions about what is considered “normal.” Many parents grapple with doubts about their children’s behavior and their own responses to challenges. The journey involves understanding that “normal” is subjective and varies widely across different experiences. Ultimately, seeking reassurance from trusted sources can provide comfort and clarity in the chaotic world of parenting.