As I approached the final month of my twin pregnancy, the days felt endless and the nights stretched on even longer. Sleep was a distant memory, and any attempt to relieve myself resulted in numb legs. My ankles were so swollen that I could have cried just thinking about them—my pedicurist was genuinely alarmed when I took off my boots. The pelvic pain was intense, and I had truly mastered the art of the “pregnant waddle.”
The moment finally arrived when my water broke at 1:30 a.m. during my 37th week. In a frenzy, I dashed around the house, amniotic fluid trailing behind me, feeling somewhat deranged in my husband’s red plaid pajama pants and a blue polka dot shirt. Panic set in as I realized I would have to go to the hospital looking like this. Rather than changing, I called my mom, who calmly reminded me that I didn’t need to rush. I had assumed that once my water broke, it was time to deliver. I envisioned giving birth in the car, so I hastily grabbed a towel and a trash bag to protect the car’s upholstery.
At 3:15 a.m., I underwent a C-section, but the experience became a nightmare when the anesthesiologist failed to administer the spinal block high enough for my height. I felt everything for what seemed like an eternity—a painful experience that surpassed any labor I had previously endured.
Eventually, I welcomed two beautiful boys into the world. I bonded with one immediately, while the other was swiftly taken to the NICU due to complications from aspirating meconium-stained amniotic fluid. As I sat there with one baby, my heart ached for the other. I felt an overwhelming sense of loss and guilt as I couldn’t hold both. After convincing a nurse to let me see my NICU baby, I fainted when they helped me up, and they subsequently restricted my movements.
Becoming a new mom to twins was nothing short of a whirlwind. I had to navigate the emotional chaos of bonding with just one baby while yearning for the other. After a challenging five-day hospital stay, we finally returned home. As my husband entered the room with an additional car seat, I was flooded with emotions. I could hardly fathom the enormity of my new reality.
Once home, I found it difficult to connect with my NICU baby, leading to intense feelings of guilt. I was pumping milk hours after the C-section, and once home, I was alternating between pumping every four hours and nursing a baby every hour. With both twins on opposite feeding schedules, I was surviving on a mere 45 minutes of sleep each night.
Moving in with my in-laws offered some relief; my mother-in-law helped by caring for one baby at night while I cared for the other. The experience taught me about the necessity of relinquishing control as a twin mom. I couldn’t always hold them or spoil them as I wished. I had to establish a schedule to maintain some semblance of sanity, even if it meant letting one baby cry while I attended to the other.
Raising twins as my first children fundamentally altered my approach to parenting. I skipped the typical “first baby syndrome” because it was physically impossible to cater to both at once. This dynamic forced both my twins and me into a balanced routine, but it also created a psychological distance I wasn’t prepared for. I often felt guilty about my different levels of bonding with each baby.
Having two babies of the same age introduces a unique set of challenges. Constant comparisons between them became unavoidable, and the emotional and physical demands of parenting twins left me exhausted. I often found myself feeling guilty for cultivating a stronger bond with one over the other. The strictness required to maintain any order in our lives felt like a necessity rather than a choice.
The experience of parenting multiples certainly alters family dynamics and imposes distinct psychological challenges. While I can’t claim it’s more difficult than having three children in succession, it is undoubtedly a different journey.
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Summary
The journey of parenting twins is filled with unexpected challenges, emotional upheavals, and a steep learning curve. From the chaotic birth experience to the struggle of bonding with both babies, the transition to motherhood with multiples is unique. The necessity to establish a routine, navigate constant comparisons, and manage guilt adds layers of complexity to the parenting experience.