We’ve all crossed paths with her—whether in the grocery store, at the park, in the library, or even while trying to enjoy a meal at a family-friendly restaurant. She’s the mom usually accompanied by more than one young child. Her appearance is often unkempt: no makeup, hair hastily gathered into a messy bun, and clothes stained with who-knows-what. If her outfit happens to match, it’s a good day. You might think this describes most mothers, and you’d be right. But what truly sets “that” mom apart is the wailing child—or children—by her side.
She notices your gaze. She feels the judgment pouring from your eyes as she struggles to soothe her child. Despite the cacophony of cries, she catches snippets of your comments to your companions, realizing you think she can’t hear anything over the noise. Her face flushes with embarrassment and frustration, and if those tears in her eyes look familiar, they are.
She fights to maintain her composure. When a well-meaning older couple approaches to offer advice—like “it gets better” or “I’ve been there”—she forces a smile, even if she’s overwhelmed. She appreciates the sentiment, but the situation is far from easy. The kind strangers’ words trigger a flood of thoughts in her mind, primarily a desperate wish to escape, regardless of the cart full of groceries or the unfinished meal in front of her.
As she glances over at you and your well-behaved children, a pang of envy strikes her. Your kids sit quietly, while hers are in the throes of a meltdown. She silently resents you, imagining you as the perfect PTA mom who crafts homemade treats for school events while juggling everything else effortlessly. She wishes life could be that simple.
Years ago, I witnessed a scene at the mall that mirrors this struggle. My friends and I were shopping when a piercing scream echoed through the store. A mother was desperately trying to calm her daughter, but her efforts only seemed to escalate the situation. A nearby teenager loudly complained about the disruptive child, voicing how the mom shouldn’t be in public if her daughter acted like that. I watched as the mother, flushed with embarrassment, confronted the girl, who quickly fell silent. My friends and I chuckled at the teen’s reaction, but we also made a judgment of our own: we swore our future children would be better behaved.
Fast forward to today, and I find myself in her shoes. I’m the mom you watch while my child is in an emotional crisis. I dread outings, knowing the likelihood of a meltdown is high. After a difficult trip to the grocery store, I often sit in my car with my head in my hands, fighting back tears. I now understand the reality I once judged so harshly.
Before you label her as a bad parent, take a moment to consider other factors. The child you see having a tantrum could be overtired, hungry, or struggling with something you can’t see. It’s not simply about discipline or lack thereof.
For instance, I have three kids, one of whom is on the autism spectrum and experiences sensory processing challenges. What you perceive as a child throwing a fit in the checkout line may actually be a reaction to something as simple as the cart not moving. While you might think my child is misbehaving, he is grappling with feelings beyond his control. Even typically developing children can have their moments.
So, the next time you spot that mom, remember to be compassionate. She’s likely doing her best. Everyone has tough days, and some children face more challenges than others. When you see me working to navigate through a difficult moment, know that I’m doing everything I can.
And if you’re inclined to remain judgmental, reconsider. You have no idea what it’s like to be in my position, and I invite you to walk a mile in my shoes.
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In summary, the struggles of motherhood are often hidden beneath the surface, and empathy can go a long way in supporting those who are navigating challenging moments.