Navigating the Chaos of Motherhood: Finding Calm Amidst the Storm
“I’m about to hurl the tablet out the window!” Those were the words I shouted at the top of my lungs one chaotic Monday evening, loud enough for the neighbors to hear. The irony? I’m a therapist who helps others manage their emotions. Yet, in that moment, I was so far from keeping my own emotions in check that I hardly recognized myself.
Before you judge my qualifications as a therapist, let me set the scene. It was close to 6 PM, and if you’re a parent, you know that the post-dinner, pre-bedtime hour is often a battlefield. My partner was away at the fire station, leaving me solo with our exhausted kids, who were still reeling from a long weekend. My 4-year-old was throwing a fit over dinner he deemed “gross,” and I was feeling depleted after a long day of supporting others, all while neglecting my own needs.
My daughters, aged 6 and 7, oscillate between being the best of friends and the worst of enemies. On that particular night, they were at each other’s throats over the tablet (again). When one of them let out a wail that pierced my ears, I felt a surge of adrenaline and cortisol that felt like a raging fire inside me, and I just… lost it. My younger children dashed into another room in tears, while my oldest looked at me with a mixture of sadness and fear in her eyes, softly asking, “Mommy?” It seemed I wasn’t the only one struggling to understand what was happening.
As someone who used to handle anger effortlessly, the emotional rollercoaster of motherhood can sometimes feel overwhelming, causing my words to escape before I can catch them. The silver lining is that I’m pretty good at apologizing, and the last couple of years of pandemic parenting have given me plenty of chances to practice. I said I was sorry, and they forgave me, life went on, as it often does.
Here’s the reality: no matter how ready we think we are for parenting, or how much we understand about emotional regulation and child development, we are all human, reactive, and far from perfect. Nobody is exempt from the challenges of raising kids—not even that seemingly perfect mom on Instagram who serves only organic meals and does yoga with her children. Trust me, we are all navigating a world filled with uncertainty and incessant demands, in systems that frequently fail to support parents, especially mothers. Moms often feel overwhelmed, undervalued, and utterly exhausted.
Yet, we’re also resilient, grateful, and remarkably effective at getting things done. Motherhood teaches us to embrace the dualities of life: we can love our children fiercely while grappling with their relentless needs. We can appreciate the gift of motherhood while craving our own space. We can make mistakes, seek forgiveness, and still feel worthy. Thankfully, there’s always another chance to improve. By acknowledging that we are imperfect beings learning and growing alongside our children, we allow ourselves the grace to evolve.
Affirmations to Hold Onto When You Feel Like You Might Lose Your Cool
“Deep breaths are a parent’s best ally.”
When the chaos erupts and you feel the urge to explode, close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. This advice may seem cliché, but there’s a good reason therapists emphasize breathing. In moments of high tension, taking a deep breath for a count of 4 and exhaling for a count of 6 can interrupt your body’s automatic stress response. A few deep breaths can help prevent you from becoming a “momster” (or in my case, from yelling at the kids).
“It’s okay to feel what I feel.”
Contrary to the messages we absorbed growing up—like “big kids don’t cry”—all emotions are valid. After calming down with deep breaths, remind yourself that it’s perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed when your 4-year-old shrieks as if the world is ending because you stopped the tenth episode of their favorite show.
“I will not neglect myself.”
When we continuously prioritize everyone else’s needs over our own, we risk burnout. It’s unrealistic to expect a car to run without a charged battery, and similarly, we can’t give what we don’t have. The times when I’ve snapped at my kids were never truly about them; it was about my own depleted state. Burnout leads to feelings of resentment and anger. So, as difficult as it may be, seek out time for yourself and rediscover who you are beyond your role as a mother. And no, I’m not suggesting a pedicure (though those are nice). I mean reconnecting with your interests and passions. While motherhood is undoubtedly a heavy load, we can choose to redefine our narrative, both for ourselves and our children, by refusing to exhaust ourselves for the sake of being a mom.
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In summary, it’s natural to feel overwhelmed and lose your cool as a parent. By practicing self-compassion and employing calming techniques, you can navigate these challenging moments with grace. Remember, you’re not alone in this journey.