June has arrived, bringing with it a vibrant display of rainbow bags, flags, apparel, and accessories. Pride is everywhere, yet it remains absent from my home. Why? Because, despite being a queer woman, I am still in the closet. Very few people are aware of my true self, making this month particularly challenging for me. It serves as a poignant reminder of who I aspire to be, yet find myself unable to become. Rather than celebrating boldly, I feel restrained, muted, and ashamed.
Let me elaborate.
From a young age, I sensed that I was different. I lacked the intimate connections and passionate feelings that seemed to define many of my peers. Romantic relationships didn’t hold the same allure for me. I never enjoyed romantic comedies or the typical pop culture narratives about love. Shows like “Friends,” “90210,” and “Dawson’s Creek” did nothing for me. Despite having boyfriends and once dreaming of a fairytale romance where I was swept off my feet, I found myself attracted to only a handful of boys. Ultimately, I fell in love with one of them, who became my husband. We got married and started a family with two wonderful kids.
Yet, something felt amiss. I couldn’t quite articulate it, but there was a lingering sense of unfulfillment. Last June, I finally found the courage to share my feelings with my husband. I said, “I think… I think I’m gay.”
Today, I identify as queer, but my circle remains small. My husband knows, and we’re working through this transformation in counseling. My psychiatrist and therapist were aware of my feelings before I even recognized them myself, and a few trusted friends know my truth. But that’s where my transparency ends, and it feels burdensome. Living in silence is an exhausting challenge.
I yearn to embrace my sexuality and my true self. I want to declare my identity and celebrate openly, just like so many others who fill the streets with joy during Pride Month. I long to wear rainbow colors and be visible for who I am — who I’ve always been. I desire a safe community where I can belong.
Instead, I retreat into the shadows, expressing support for the LGBTQ community from the sidelines, and it’s disheartening. I often feel like a fraud, an imposter, invisible amidst the rainbow displays. There are days I grapple with anger toward myself, leading to self-harm. Yet, I remind myself that there’s no prescribed way or timeline for coming out. Silence doesn’t erase my identity.
Even if I’m not “loud and proud,” I am still queer.
This Pride Month, I am choosing to reshape my narrative. I will approach each rainbow flag with a shy smile, reminding myself that this community is my family. Whether I’m in the closet or not, the LGBTQ community is home. I will practice unconditional self-acceptance, celebrating my identity even in its quieter form. I don’t need parades to honor the queer woman I am. I will quiet the negative voices of shame and pain that linger, affirming that they don’t belong here. I do. I will use this month to acknowledge my journey and how far I’ve come.
While I may not have fully come out to friends and family, and I may not be marching in the streets, I have come out to myself — and that is worth celebrating. Recognizing my truth is a significant step forward.
To learn more about navigating similar experiences, check out this insightful post here on our other blog. It’s crucial to seek resources, and this article provides valuable insights on self-discovery. For additional guidance on the journey to parenthood, this resource on the IVF process is excellent.
Summary
This piece reflects the internal struggle of a closeted queer woman during Pride Month. While she grapples with her identity and feels disconnected from the celebrations happening around her, she chooses to embrace her truth and celebrate her queerness, even in silence. Her story highlights the importance of self-acceptance and reminds others that coming out is a personal journey without a set timeline.
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Keywords: Pride Month, queer identity, coming out, self-acceptance, LGBTQ community