Pregnancy isn’t always the radiant experience everyone expects. For me, it was marked by relentless nausea and discomfort, leaving me longing for the day my baby would arrive. Throughout my nine-month journey, I endured all sorts of well-intentioned yet cliché advice. “Just wait until the baby arrives,” they said, or “Sleep now while you can!” I shrugged it off, recognizing their attempts to be supportive, even if their words felt frustrating.
When my son was finally born, it was a whirlwind. He was immediately taken to the NICU, and I was unable to see him for 24 hours due to a dangerously high fever. My only wish was for him to be healthy, and thankfully, after that anxious wait, he was. He was perfect, with ten tiny fingers and ten adorable toes. I thought our challenges were behind us.
His first year was filled with milestones, celebrated with joy and pride. However, as time passed, those milestones began to plateau. Concerned, my husband and I consulted various doctors, receiving the diagnosis that our son might be on the autism spectrum. I must admit, I fell into the “not my child” mindset, naively believing that autism was just a new label for what I thought was a common developmental delay. I was unaware of the realities and complexities of autism, and as a result, I often found myself unintentionally offending other parents in similar situations.
Over time, and with lots of learning, I’ve come to understand the nuances of autism and how to navigate conversations surrounding it. Here are five phrases to avoid saying to parents of children with special needs:
- “I’m so sorry.”
Expressing sorrow implies a loss, but having a child with autism is not a tragedy. It’s important to recognize that autism is part of who my son is, not a burden to be mourned. In fact, 1 in 68 children in the U.S. are diagnosed with autism, making it a common experience rather than an unfortunate event.
- “I don’t know how you do it.”
I appreciate the sentiment, but it’s not a choice. When you become a parent, particularly to a child with special needs, your instincts kick in. You adapt and find strength you never knew you had. This tiny human relies on me, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
- “You should get a second opinion.”
Many parents of children with special needs have seen numerous specialists. It feels disheartening to suggest something that has likely been done already. We’ve sought out multiple opinions to understand our child’s needs, and we have a clear diagnosis.
- “I know someone who has a child with autism.”
While sharing similar experiences can feel unifying, each child’s experience with autism is unique. Unless you’ve faced the challenges personally, it’s difficult to truly grasp what we’re navigating.
- “I have a doctor who can fix him.”
This suggestion implies that my child is broken and needs fixing. He is not a malfunctioning toy; he is a wonderful human being who has taught me invaluable lessons about love and patience. We are on this journey together, and I wouldn’t change a thing about him.
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In summary, navigating conversations as a parent of a child with special needs requires sensitivity and understanding. Avoiding certain phrases can foster better communication and support, allowing for more meaningful connections.