As I sit at my kitchen counter in my usual comfy sweats, sipping coffee while assisting my kindergartner with vocabulary practice and helping my second grader with phonics, my phone buzzes with urgent messages:
- “The Governor has canceled school for the rest of the year! I’m in tears.”
- “Wow. Here we go. Not surprising, but it hurts.”
- “I’m not sure how I’m going to survive summer. I might need to take time off work.”
Soon, I received automated calls and texts confirming what I already knew. This all happened before I even glanced at my town’s social media pages, where fellow parents were already sharing their feelings as we faced a long, uncertain summer. The looming question of whether schools would reopen in the fall, along with uncertainty about when our regular activities like barbecues, weddings, and outings to coffee shops would resume, has left many of us grappling with a sense of loss for what once was.
I can relate to these complex emotions all too well. My mother was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS) when I was just 19 and in college. Initially, her symptoms progressed slowly, but over the years, I witnessed her transformation from a vibrant, independent woman, who worked the night shift at a manufacturing plant, to someone who struggled with mobility and vision.
It was both heartbreaking and devastating. As a first-generation Indian American, I grew up with my mother hosting lively gatherings filled with the sounds of Bollywood music, the aroma of samosas and pakoras drifting through our New Jersey home, where family and friends would gather, laughing and sharing stories in Hindi. Suddenly, our idyllic immigrant life felt upended as my mother’s mobility diminished.
Planning for significant milestones became a challenge. As my law school graduation approached, while my peers excitedly prepared for their families’ visits, I received a call from my mother letting me know that her health had worsened, and she would be in rehabilitation. She wasn’t even sure if she could attend my graduation. The disappointment hit me hard, but I silently masked my feelings. She sensed my sadness and reassured me of her pride. Ultimately, she made it to the ceremony, but I only learned the day before that she would be there. Seeing her struggle with mobility on that day made me understand her hesitation in coming.
A few years later, my luck ran out. She couldn’t join me in India as I shopped for my wedding attire, as public spaces were not accessible for her. Standing in a bustling shop in New Delhi, surrounded by other brides and their families, I found myself staring at my reflection, tears welling in my eyes. My mother’s illness had completely altered our lives.
Now, with COVID-19 sweeping through the nation, the feelings of desolation that my friends who are mothers are experiencing resonate deeply within me. I have endured similar disruptions before. The uncertainty and unpredictability are terrifying. I never expected that witnessing my mother’s chronic illness would prepare me for this unprecedented reality, yet it has imparted valuable lessons on how to navigate life amidst difficulties.
Lessons Learned
First, it’s essential to plan those family vacations, buy tickets for shows you’d like to see, but understand that they may be canceled due to factors beyond your control. Living with a chronic illness teaches you to accept that uncertainty is part of life while still maintaining hope. When things go well, like they did at my graduation, it becomes a cause for celebration. If they don’t, as happened with my wedding outfit shopping in India or the recent school closures, allow yourself to feel that disappointment but remember that you’ve already accepted the possibility of things not going as planned, making the letdown easier to bear.
Second, it’s important to lower your expectations and appreciate what you have. Although my mother couldn’t be with me in India, she was still alive. Many people experience life events without their parents ever witnessing them.
Finally, it’s vital to release any guilt you might feel for being healthy when others are not. There’s nothing wrong with recognizing your blessings—in fact, this acknowledgment can provide the strength to live with gratitude for what you have.
Last weekend, we gathered in my parents’ backyard, maintaining a responsible distance. The sun warmed our backs as my kids played soccer on the grass. My mother smiled down at us from the deck, serving her homemade pakoras fresh from the oven. Later, I rode bikes with the kids, listening to their joyful shouts as they sped down a hill. In that moment, I thought of my mother and felt thankful for the lessons she taught me.
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In summary, living with a mother who faced chronic illness has shaped my perspective on life’s uncertainties and the value of gratitude. As we navigate the challenges posed by COVID-19, I find comfort in the lessons learned through my experiences.