June 17, 2016
“Hey Mom, I’ve been keeping this to myself for a long time, but I think it’s important for you to know that I’m gay. I didn’t have the courage to tell you face-to-face, but we can chat about it at Bob’s Furniture.” This was the text I received from my 11-year-old son, Alex, about a year and a half ago. I was driving when my phone pinged, and I couldn’t check it immediately. Shortly after, Alex called me on Bluetooth, asking if I had seen his message. I told him I’d check it later, then inquired if he and his sister were ready for dinner and a mattress shopping trip. These were the mundane moments before everything shifted.
Upon his insistence, I pulled over, read the message, and felt a wave of panic wash over me. I called Alex’s dad, and we both shared our fears—not from a place of hatred but from concern about what this news might mean for Alex’s future and safety.
After our conversation, I picked the kids up, and all I managed to say to Alex was, “I love you, and that will never change.” It felt sufficient at that moment, and we didn’t delve deeper into the subject that evening.
In the following days, we began to talk more. I learned that Alex had already come out at school, where most of his peers were supportive. He had even confided in his younger sister six months earlier. His dad and I processed this news differently, each grappling with various concerns about his well-being and the uncertainties ahead. We sought solace in discussions with each other, ensured Alex felt our love, and joined PFLAG for support. This community provided us with valuable insights and allowed us to help others, too.
Fast forward to now, 18 months later, and my husband and I have come to realize that while things have changed, many aspects of our lives remain the same. We still worry about the day Alex may encounter real discrimination and hatred. We’ve agreed with him that he can handle the hurtful comments at school as long as he feels capable, but if there’s any threat of violence, he must inform us right away.
Our concerns about his safety have gradually eased. Although the world isn’t perfect, it’s much more accepting than it was in our youth. As he approaches his teenage years, we find ourselves facing new challenges—like how to guide him through dating in the gay teen landscape, which is foreign territory for us. Alex has developed a crush on a male friend, who isn’t openly gay. I’m left wondering how to help him navigate this—can you simply ask someone about their sexuality? This wasn’t something I anticipated having to advise on when he was younger.
We’re learning to navigate these waters of young romance, discovering that the fundamentals remain the same. When a bisexual friend of his inquired about their potential as a couple, I helped Alex address it. Ultimately, it mirrors scenarios that straight teens experience: valuing a friendship while setting boundaries about romantic interests.
So where do we stand now, a year and a half later?
We engage in conversations about dating rules, being a good partner, and self-respect. We dream about Alex’s future and tease him about whom he finds attractive. Rather than just his father discussing crushes with him, I now share in those conversations. Instead of imagining a future wife, we celebrate the possibility of him legally marrying a husband someday. We also talk about the various ways he might choose to start a family. We even joke about stereotypes related to being gay.
However, not everything is straightforward. Most of our family is unaware of Alex’s sexuality. While I believe that most will ultimately be supportive, we do have a few very conservative relatives. The timing and manner of coming out to them is a decision Alex must make on his own, and we assure him that we stand by him regardless of his choice. In the meantime, we do our best to remain calm when family members inquire about girlfriends and use gender-neutral language when discussing his future.
One thing has remained constant: the love we have for our son. That fundamental truth has not changed, and perhaps that’s the most important lesson I’ve learned through this journey.
Postscript
This essay was written shortly before the tragic Orlando shooting on June 12, 2016. In light of that heartbreaking event, I felt compelled to add that my previous sense of hope has been shaken. Just a week before writing the original piece, I had reached a place where my son’s sexual orientation felt less daunting, believing society had largely progressed. I was aware of the persistent hatred towards him because of who he is, but I believed that there was enough support for the LGBTQ community to keep him safe. The shooting, however, has brought my fears to the forefront. I now see Alex in the vulnerable positions that so many LGBTQ individuals face. I recognize that he may have to live with the constant threat of hatred for simply being himself.
This awareness is a burden not just for parents of LGBTQ children but for the entire community. With Alex still in the process of coming out, I find it difficult to share these fears openly with others. Nevertheless, for his sake, I will continue to project calmness and assurance, hoping that peace returns in time.
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Summary
This blog recounts a mother’s journey of understanding and supporting her son after he came out as gay at a young age. It explores the emotional reactions, challenges, and growth of the family as they navigate this new reality. The author emphasizes that love remains unchanged, despite evolving circumstances, and acknowledges the complexities that come with societal attitudes towards LGBTQ individuals.