Growing up in a liberal Jewish family amidst conservative Christian classmates instilled in me a strong sense of caution regarding premarital sex. This upbringing influenced my high school decisions and served as effective birth control. However, the liberating atmosphere of college introduced me to a world where sexual freedom thrived. Though I chose to remain abstinent during that time, it was not due to fear of consequences, but rather a desire to wait for a meaningful connection.
I found that connection during my junior year abroad and eagerly shared my experience with my mom the next morning. I have no regrets about that moment. The man I fell for, Jake, was amazing, and he set a standard for the types of men I sought in the years leading to my marriage.
Now, post-divorce, I’m navigating the complexities of intimacy all over again. It feels akin to my freshman year in college—sex is prevalent, but when is it appropriate for a divorced mother in her forties to engage? While I search for clarity, here are some insights I’ve gathered from my recent adventures in the dating scene.
1. Moms Are Attractive
My children’s well-being will always be my top priority, and I only venture out socially when they’re with their father. I anticipated that it would take years before I could reclaim a personal life. Surprisingly, I’ve learned that men do not shy away from women with responsibilities. Many of the men I encounter are balancing their own family and work obligations. I’ve even noticed that younger, single men are often eager to connect with moms.
2. Sexting Is Commonplace
While I was married, the trend of intimate texting emerged, and I recently discovered the term “sexting.” My first foray into this realm turned out to be one of the most exhilarating experiences I’ve had, despite being alone. While it can be thrilling, there are inherent risks, especially when pictures are involved. Trust is crucial in these exchanges. Over time, sexting can feel repetitive—after all, how many variations can you find for the same activities? (I may or may not have borrowed some lines from cringe-worthy romance novels.) Real-life connections, of course, trump virtual encounters, but many men seem keen on engaging in this form of communication.
3. Keep an Open Mind
I once had a rigid image of the ideal partner and family life I wanted. I got what I thought I wanted, and it didn’t work out. Now, I’m learning to broaden my horizons and reconsider qualities that previously seemed non-negotiable, like political or religious beliefs. I’m also trying to look beyond the surface-level traits that used to attract me. Maturity and age have made me more flexible. While education remains appealing, I’m less fixated on it than before. (However, poor grammar in sexting is still a dealbreaker for me, and selfies should be enticing, not inappropriate.) My goal is to avoid the limitations I imposed on myself in the past.
4. Beware of Married Men
I can’t help but check for wedding bands when I meet intriguing men. Flirting can be harmless, but I’ve noticed a disturbing trend: many married men seem drawn to divorced women. Personally, I see no appeal in that and would strongly advise against it. Interestingly, married women don’t seem interested in me at all—perhaps they fear that divorce is contagious (but that’s a topic for another discussion).
5. Embrace Your Body at Every Stage
Recently, I witnessed two young women at the gym criticizing their bodies. It made me want to shake some sense into both them and my younger self. How much time did I waste worrying about my appearance? After three kids and two C-sections, I’ve learned to appreciate my body, imperfections included. My children often poke fun at my belly, but what they don’t realize is that my heart has softened since they came into my life. After the tumultuous years with my ex, my heart could’ve hardened, but instead, I’m grateful for the journey. I accept my body as it is, and when I choose to share it with someone else, I won’t apologize for how I look.
The divorce process was a grueling ordeal, and there were days I doubted I would emerge intact. A year and a half later, I’m still healing. The future once felt daunting, but I now recognize that love, relationships, and life continue beyond divorce. It’s a path of self-discovery, and I’m slowly but surely moving forward.
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Summary
Navigating dating and intimacy post-divorce is a complex journey filled with new lessons and revelations. From embracing one’s body to understanding the dynamics of modern relationships, it’s a time for growth and self-reflection. As I rediscover intimacy, I remain open-minded while prioritizing the well-being of my children.