Trigger Warning: Child Loss
As a child, I always yearned for something that seemed impossible—a summer birthday. It was a whimsical desire for an Indiana girl born in January. Little did I realize that the fulfillment of that dream would come not through my own birthday, but through the joy of becoming a mom to a summer baby. Our daughter entered the world at the start of summer in 2016, and this June marks what should be her fourth birthday. I say “should be” because I often wonder if infants who leave this earth too soon ever truly age. However, from my perspective, we are only weeks away from her special day.
As any grieving mother knows, it’s vital to remember our children for who they were, not just for the tragedy of their loss. I wish to celebrate her life, cherishing the four months and two days we were fortunate to share with her. Although my sorrow will always remain, I strive to embrace life fully. Yet, I often feel conflicted, as my desires and current emotions don’t always align. It’s as if the trauma of her absence has woven itself into the fabric of everyday life.
Everyday encounters—be it a certain scent, a specific date, an unremarkable place, a haunting dream, or a song on the radio—can trigger memories of my loss. The unpredictability of my emotions is a constant companion. For those of us navigating life after trauma, each day is filled with uncertainty.
We often wish to suppress our feelings, yearning to “move on” because reliving the pain feels futile. It’s a burdensome cycle that can feel far beyond our control. Just when we believe we’ve conquered the flashbacks or the gnawing pain in our hearts, another reminder lurks nearby, ready to awaken memories we thought were buried.
To illustrate this, imagine a valuable piece of glass shattering on a ceramic floor. The initial shock leaves you overwhelmed by the mess. You might step back, trying to comprehend the chaos, asking yourself if it really happened. Instinctively, you’d know to protect yourself by putting on shoes. Even after painstakingly cleaning up the debris, you remain cautious, walking on tiptoes. Yet, despite your efforts to be vigilant, there will inevitably come a moment when a shard finds its way into your foot.
Months or even years may pass, and you might have returned to your daily routine, but those fragments remain, hidden but not forgotten, their pain still fresh. This is the nature of trauma—it lingers, often hidden from our view, yet ready to resurface when we least expect it.
In the immediate aftermath of a traumatic event, emotions are raw and visible, much like the shards of glass scattered across the floor. As time goes on, these feelings can scatter themselves, as if our minds have donned protective shoes to avoid the memories that haunt us. We don’t want to be reminded of our pain by something as mundane as the scent of freshly cut grass or a familiar tune; however, the triggers are beyond our control.
For those of us who have endured trauma and continue to grapple with its aftermath, it’s not a matter of being unable to look forward. We don’t carry a victim mentality, nor do we seek pity from others. We have simply stepped on that old, broken glass, and the journey toward healing is fraught with obstacles.
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Summary:
This article explores the complex emotions surrounding trauma, particularly the bittersweet memories of a lost child. It emphasizes the unpredictability of triggers that can bring past pain to the forefront, while also highlighting the importance of remembering and honoring the loved ones we’ve lost.