J was a dedicated performer, exceptionally skilled in his craft. His physique was long and lean, and his movements were just stylized enough to evoke a certain enigmatic elegance, despite his roots in Kansas. With training from Ann Bogart and a Master’s in acting, his performance was all about physical expression rather than emotional depth, making him perfectly suited for the circus lifestyle. He took his role—and himself—very seriously, often dominating conversations and redirecting attention back to his opinions.
In the circus world, I was designated as an Official Partner (OP), which simply meant I was J’s girlfriend. Our responsibilities as OPs were to enjoy our time. We would be touring six cities—Amsterdam, Barcelona, Vienna, Brussels, Madrid, and London—and we had weeks off to explore at our leisure. Below are my reflections from each city during my circus adventure.
Amsterdam
For the first six weeks, I settled into room 518 at the Renaissance Amsterdam Hotel on Kattengat 1. J had been there for a month before me and promised to set up the Internet and get me a phone card, but he didn’t follow through. Jet-lagged and overwhelmed, I found myself crying, and we exchanged worried glances, fearing for our future.
The bed, cleverly disguised as a double, was actually two twin mattresses beneath a dust-covered bedspread. I took a nap, and upon waking, I ventured out to navigate Dutch public transport to the circus tent, known as Le Grand Chapiteau. Arriving at the vibrant yellow and blue tents, I was unprepared for the sight of J in his colorful costume, flustered over a makeup mishap. Despite my initial trepidation about the performers’ eccentricities, I was quickly drawn into the chaotic world around me.
The family performing as The Adagio Trio was too serious for my liking, and J hinted that their youngest, M, had been born to replace his older sibling who had outgrown their role. I clicked with C, a charismatic wire walker who, despite his talents, found himself playing a child in the circus. After a long day, when J returned home, remnants of stage makeup on his face left me feeling distanced from him.
When invited to a party in E and M’s room, I realized that circus life was akin to a wild college party. The performers danced energetically, indulged in drinks, and reveled in the music, far from the creative artists I had imagined. They were more like jocks, enjoying loud beats and mainstream venues. Despite my preconceived notions, I found myself oddly fond of them.
After several uncomfortable nights on the makeshift bed, J, E, M, and I concocted a plan after indulging in Moroccan hash. Our mission was to swap our uncomfortable mattresses for a proper double. Chaos ensued as we raced through the hotel, but ultimately, we ended up too stoned to complete our mission.
During my time in Europe post-9/11, I found that many locals wanted to discuss the tragedy with me, treating me like a strange celebrity. It was a bewildering experience, particularly when a woman recoiled upon learning I was Jewish.
We took a week-long trip to Menorca, which rejuvenated our spirits before heading to Barcelona for six more weeks.
Barcelona
With ten shows a week, my time with J was limited, making Amsterdam feel lonely. However, after a week in Menorca, I embraced Barcelona’s vibrant energy. I developed a fondness for Antoni Tàpies and discovered the joys of Cinzano. Hotel life turned into an art project as I transformed our bland conference room into a cozy retreat using scarves, construction paper, and stolen flowers from room service.
When friends came to visit, we partied hard, resulting in a hilarious incident where I ended up leaving my shoes behind after a night of sympathy-puking. Circus life was filled with drama, especially with J’s shoe being untied mid-performance, an act I suspected was pulled by the mischievous M, who was surprisingly talented for his age.
J’s emotional distance was unsettling. I adored Europe and wanted to extend my stay, but I was unsure about my relationship with him. Amidst this uncertainty, I found joy in writing, trampoline lessons with L, and even started filming short clips with C, who had a flair for creativity.
Vienna
After blissful months in Barcelona, we moved on to Vienna. A spontaneous trip to Prague led to a whimsical experience where I mistakenly paid too much for a ring, but I laughed it off as a token of my experience. I had read 24 books in five months, and my doubts about J’s emotional availability grew stronger.
In Vienna, I spent more time backstage, bonding with C while noticing the growing distance between him and J. The backstage atmosphere became a comfort zone, filled with pre-show rituals that created a sense of community.
Brussels
Two days into our Brussels stay, I discovered a vibrant city bursting with life. While J and I explored, I found solace in the local culture, enjoying music and art festivals. However, murmurs about J’s pretentiousness circulated among the cast, confirming my own feelings.
I found myself adapting to the local language, picking up phrases that made me feel more connected to the culture, even as I faced the disdain some locals had for Americans.
In summary, my journey through the circus world was filled with emotional highs and lows, cultural discoveries, and unexpected friendships. Each city brought new experiences, allowing me to grow and reflect on my life with J.
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