The morning commenced like any other. I rose before my husband and kids, squeezed in a quick workout, and showered. I had high hopes for the day. I would remain calm and patient. I would adapt to whatever came my way. I would keep my cool.
I packed lunches for the kids, fed the dogs, and reminded them to brush their teeth, while also asking them to tidy up the bathroom counter. Not to mention, I had to pick up the dog mess from the living room. Ugh. Deep breaths. I will not lose my cool.
I checked my email and social media, scrolling through a mix of humblebrag posts, alarming news headlines, and some not-so-friendly comments on my latest update. Just let it go, let it go. More deep breaths.
As I unloaded the dishwasher, I noticed the chipped plates and a parade of ants scuttling around the coffee machine, all thanks to a yogurt container one of the kids forgot to toss in the trash. Why on earth can’t anyone in this family clean up after themselves? Why am I always the one doing everything? Why are there so many ants?
“Can you please brush your teeth and wipe down the bathroom counter?” I asked my kids yet again. My husband reminded me about his work event, meaning he wouldn’t be around for the evening chaos of homework, dinner, and bedtime. Deep breaths again.
I listened to my kids bicker over the last Eggo waffle for breakfast. I stepped right on a Lego left out from the night before. Dirty socks littered the kitchen floor.
“Brush your teeth,” I reiterated. “And wipe the kitchen counter.”
The kids continued to yell over that darn Eggo waffle. The phone rang, our dogs started barking — no, howling — and I could barely hear myself think. My blood pressure was rising. My thoughts raced, and I felt waves of anxiety washing over me. Worries about our latest credit card statement, the car’s broken taillight, and an awkward conversation I had with a family member began to bubble up. All the messes — so many messes — spiraled into worries about finances, vacation plans, and my kids’ issues at school until…
“AGH! CAN YOU TWO JUST STOP ARGUING FOR ONE MINUTE AND BRUSH YOUR TEETH! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO ASK YOU? DO YOU EVEN LISTEN? NO! WHY DOESN’T ANYONE LISTEN TO ME? GOOO NOW!”
My kids stared in shock. I stormed off to the bathroom and slammed the door, feeling that mix of relief and regret that follows an adult-sized tantrum.
So what is it about motherhood that makes me feel so tense and angry?
I generally try to be laid-back. But it seems like a switch flips from calm mom to raging lunatic in mere seconds.
Sometimes, it’s the everyday messiness of life with young kids that drives me up the wall. Things are never in their place. There are dirty fingerprints and paint smudges on practically every wall in our home. I’ve cleaned up more bodily fluids from the carpet and couches than anyone should have to in a lifetime.
Other times, anxiety triggers the anger. Worries about finances and work, fears that things are worse than they really are, and everyday “calamities” like being late to work or questioning why a friend hasn’t responded can add up. We also have to consider the more serious issues in the world, like plane crashes, car accidents, and systemic racism.
Sleep deprivation and a racing mind don’t help either.
However, I believe that the chaos and unpredictability of motherhood are major contributors to my feelings of stress and anger. There are moments when everything feels utterly out of control, and it all becomes overwhelming.
I don’t want to feel this way, and I’m sure you don’t either. I have strategies in place. I see a therapist, take anti-anxiety medication, and remind myself to breathe and let things go. I practice self-care and aim for regular exercise. Sometimes these efforts pay off, but other times they don’t.
I share a good bond with my kids, but I still worry about how these outbursts might affect them. Is this what they’ll remember from their childhood? I truly hope not.
I have a friend who often recalls the loud cupboard slamming his mother did during his upbringing. There’s no doubt she was a loving parent, and they maintain a close relationship. Yet, all these years later, he remembers the slamming. I want my kids to recall laughter, hugs, and smiles instead of chaos. I want them to remember the love we share.
So, how can I — how can we, because I know I’m not alone in this — break this cycle of tension, rage, and guilt?
While I’m not a psychological expert, I believe the first step is recognizing the sources of our anger and tension. For many, it’s triggered by anxiety or depression, or the everyday stresses that can spiral out of control. Societal pressures on parents, particularly mothers, can also contribute to this exhausting cycle. Sometimes we just lose our cool because we are flawed humans who make mistakes.
Once we identify the triggers, we can seek the help we need. For me, therapy and medication have been beneficial, yet I still have moments of anger. It’s an ongoing journey. I’m learning to embrace the chaos rather than trying to control everything. I’m also working on understanding my specific triggers — clutter, work stress, insecurities — so I can address them instead of exploding over Legos on the floor. It requires grace and patience with ourselves and our children.
I may not have all the answers for why motherhood makes me feel tense and angry at times, but I’m committed to making changes. Because even when anxiety, frustration, and anger loom large, the love I have for my kids is far greater. And that’s what I want them to remember.
If you’re interested in exploring more about home insemination, check out this helpful resource on pregnancy and the journey to motherhood.
Summary
Motherhood can be a source of stress and frustration, often stemming from the chaos of daily life, anxiety, and societal pressures. Understanding the triggers behind these feelings is crucial in managing them. Embracing the imperfections and chaos of parenting while focusing on love and connection can pave the way for a more positive experience for both mothers and children.