I never imagined that youth football could spark a significant parenting dilemma, but that’s precisely what happened last spring. My nearly 10-year-old son, Ethan, expressed his desire to join a flag football team for the first time. Since he hadn’t shown much interest in team sports after quitting baseball a year prior, we eagerly embraced this new opportunity. Ethan had enjoyed casual football games with neighborhood friends and during school recess, yet he had never played in a formal setting. Unfortunately, the season began during a particularly hectic time for my husband, Mark, which meant I was responsible for taking Ethan to every practice.
As someone who admittedly knows little about football, I wasn’t sure if I was being unfairly critical, but it seemed to me that the coach wasn’t providing much instruction. He primarily focused on the players he was familiar with, barking commands at them while relegating the newer kids, including Ethan, to the sidelines. I watched as Ethan’s initial enthusiasm faded, replaced by boredom and frustration. Surely, I thought, the coach would work with the defense players in the next practice. However, after an hour of standing idle, it was evident that Ethan and several others were receiving no guidance at all.
To my disbelief, at the end of practice, the coach gathered the kids and proclaimed, “We really played like a team today!” I felt a surge of anger. How could that be true when half the team had barely participated? I was frustrated but kept my feelings to myself during the drive home. Ethan shared his impression that the coach didn’t seem interested in working with the newcomers, and I reassured him that perhaps the next session would be different. I was acutely aware that Ethan, who struggles with anxiety, might try to avoid this experience if he felt it was going poorly.
Navigating the challenges of parenting a child with anxiety is a delicate balance. We aim to avoid exaggerating situations that could increase his anxiety while also respecting his feelings. It’s a complex dance that we sometimes manage well, but other times we stumble.
At the following practice, just before the first game, I assumed the coach would finally focus on the defensive players. Instead, he called over older kids from another field to scrimmage against our team, forcing several of our boys to sit on the sidelines. I could see Ethan’s confidence plummeting as he stood there, watching his teammates struggle against larger, more experienced opponents. I felt my own frustration rising, knowing that I would soon have to take an unprepared Ethan to his first game.
Then, in a shocking moment, the coach called Ethan over, pointing at him since he didn’t know his name. After three practices without any acknowledgment, the coach barked instructions for a play that Ethan had never learned. He awkwardly attempted to run the play and dropped the ball. “Don’t you know the play?” the coach shouted, and when Ethan quietly admitted he didn’t, the coach’s frustration was palpable.
I was faced with a difficult choice: should I intervene and risk embarrassing Ethan further, or let him navigate this on his own? My mother had a reputation for fiercely defending us against authority figures, often causing me embarrassment. While I appreciated her protection, I also dreaded the fallout.
As I watched Ethan fight back tears, I felt an overwhelming urge to support him. When the coach continued to ignore Ethan’s distress, I found myself beside him, my voice rising. “Could you at least give him a moment to collect himself? Teach the kids instead of humiliating them!” The moment felt surreal, and I quickly realized the weight of my actions.
“Why did you do that?” Ethan exclaimed, still within earshot. “Now he’ll really hate me!” I was suddenly aware of the parallels between my childhood and my current situation, and I worried that I was just repeating the cycle.
Later that evening, after calming Ethan and ensuring he was settled, I allowed myself to reflect on the day’s events. I indulged in a glass of wine and spoke to my neighbor about my feelings. I couldn’t shake the memories of my own childhood insecurities, wondering if I had done the right thing.
I never intended to be the parent who fights their child’s battles, but in that moment, I felt it was necessary. I realized that I needed to protect Ethan until he could stand up for himself. After discussing it with Mark, we decided to switch Ethan to another team within the same league. We didn’t want to teach him to quit when faced with challenges, but we also didn’t want him to endure a negative experience that could exacerbate his anxiety.
Ethan was initially unhappy about continuing with football, feeling defeated by his previous experience. However, with our support, he adapted. At his second game with the new team, coached by two encouraging high school boys, Ethan excelled. He made plays, cheered for his teammates, and celebrated with joy. It was heartening to see him transform before my eyes.
In retrospect, this experience taught me invaluable lessons about parenting, anxiety, and the importance of standing up for our children while also allowing them to grow. As we navigate these challenges together, I am reminded of the delicate balance between protection and independence, and the journey we all undertake as parents.
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Summary:
In a challenging season of youth football, Mia confronts her son’s coach after witnessing inadequate instruction and support for her anxious child. The experience leads to the decision to switch teams, ultimately resulting in a positive outcome for her son. This journey highlights the complexities of parenting, especially when navigating a child’s anxiety and the balance between protection and independence.