Parenting Advice
by J. Harper
Updated: June 24, 2020
Originally Published: April 20, 2016
The phrase “enjoy every moment” may seem like well-meaning parenting advice, but it often feels utterly unrealistic. This notion is a classic symptom of parental amnesia, where the gritty realities of raising children fade to an idealized version of parenthood, as if a gratitude journal could solve all of life’s challenges. While I admire those who seem to have this amnesia, during the daily grind of parenting, the only thing a gratitude journal serves is as a makeshift cover for that novel you don’t want others to see at the playground. (Trust me, I know you didn’t read it. It sold millions because I’m clearly the only one who did.)
Yet, there’s a nagging sense that you should embrace every single moment. After all, you chose to become a parent, didn’t you? You might have worried about conceiving. Naturally, you’ll relish every moment. What kind of parent wouldn’t? The pressure builds, and you might find yourself thinking, “Why am I not enjoying every single second?”
The truth is, you will savor some of it, perhaps a lot of it, but there will be moments when the enjoyment is harder to find. This realization can be anxiety-inducing, especially since everyone keeps insisting that you should relish every second. It makes you wonder if they really have kids or if you’re just the odd one out who doesn’t feel that way.
Honestly, I’ve never enjoyed every moment of anything—probably because I’ve never indulged in hallucinogenic substances. If I were on ecstasy, perhaps life would feel like a never-ending, vibrant party. Short of that, it seems nearly impossible to enjoy every second of parenting.
So, why do people say it? Often, it’s because their kids have outgrown those stages. They yearn for just one more whiff of baby hair, one more embrace of a cuddly toddler, or the joy of watching their child in a jersey that’s just a bit too big. They dream about those moments that are now behind them.
And you, my friend, are their second chance. You represent an opportunity for them to witness a parent who seems to truly appreciate every moment. But the reality is that no one can.
Let’s Face the Challenges
Let’s face it, a significant portion of parenting can be incredibly challenging.
First, there’s the monotony. It’s not just about one particular task; it’s a continuous cycle. Feed, change, rock, and repeat. It’s a daily routine that can feel like it will never end. As a parent, you often can’t see past the mountain of tasks ahead. You simply press on, often reminiscing about when you didn’t know the mac and cheese recipe by heart.
Moreover, the various roles you play as a parent—valet, janitor, nurse, Uber driver—aren’t glamorous. There’s no paycheck, no time off, and certainly no tips (though kids should at least consider it!). Sustaining life isn’t always the exciting part of parenthood, but it’s an essential part of the deal. If you’re genuinely enjoying every second, it raises a red flag.
Let’s not ignore that kids can be quite difficult at times. I’m not referring to my own, of course, since they’re old enough to read this, and I want to limit their future therapy sessions. But show me a kid of any age, and I can show you a real challenge. Don’t even get me started on the trials of three-year-olds or the complexities of eleven-year-olds. I barely survived those ages and didn’t enjoy every moment—not even close.
Finding Joy Amidst the Chaos
Even if you don’t savor every second, being a parent can still be a joy. It’s the unpredictability and the challenge that can make it worthwhile. The initial grand plans you have for parenting quickly shift into simply trying to get through each day without losing your mind. Parenting often resembles a cartoon, where you think you have it all figured out, only to find yourself unexpectedly falling off a cliff.
Just to clarify, the parents who tell you to enjoy every moment didn’t genuinely savor every second themselves. They also found themselves eating cereal late at night, staring blankly at the wall, thinking, “I’m exhausted.” They’re not trying to be condescending; most just want to remind you that every stage does eventually end, regardless of how exhausting it may be. You can’t go back and relive those moments, but you will crave them fiercely.
What we really need is a parenting time machine. Imagine traveling back to rock that sleepy baby in your arms, brushing off your exhaustion; to kiss those cherubic cheeks before they grow facial hair; to hold the tiny hands of your toddler without worrying about the strain on your back; to admire your tween’s passionate arguments. Unfortunately, we don’t have access to a time machine, and we can’t enjoy every moment.
However, what you can do is pause during fleeting moments of joy and truly absorb them. Commit them to memory so you can revisit them later. One of my fondest memories is holding my second child on a humid afternoon before her nap. At one year old, she was soft and cuddly. As I swayed back and forth, she nestled into my neck, patting my back as I did hers. I can still feel her warmth against my cheek. That moment was one I truly enjoyed, and perhaps that’s all we can aim for.
Conclusion
In summary, “enjoy every moment” of parenting is a well-intentioned but unrealistic expectation. Parenting is filled with repetitive tasks, challenges, and sometimes difficult children. Nevertheless, amidst the chaos, there are moments of joy that can be cherished.
For those navigating the journey of parenthood, resources like the Center for Reproductive Health offer guidance, and Make a Mom can provide support in your fertility journey. You can also find shared experiences and insights from other parents at Fertility Journeys.