Recently, my partner, Jake, returned home from work in a mood. Standard questions were met with curt responses. Typically, I follow a routine when this happens: First, I release an exaggerated sigh and flail my arms around dramatically, like an uncoordinated windmill. I might ask, “What’s with the attitude? Did you think my day was a walk in the park?” Then, I remember the valuable lesson from our premarital counseling: Avoid being difficult when your partner is struggling. So, I take a step back, inhale deeply, and with a hint of concern, I gently ask, “What’s bothering you? You seem upset.”
He retorted, “Nothing’s wrong! It’s just…,” and then launched into a lengthy list of annoyances, most of which didn’t qualify as “snappy” in my book. As he continued, I half-listened while plotting my clever comeback. Just when I thought I had the perfect response ready, he delivered a heart-wrenching line: “But honestly, I’m just so frustrated we can’t have a baby.”
Instead of my well-crafted comeback, my words slipped away like a deflated balloon. I glanced at him and saw a defeated man, yearning to start a family but feeling powerless. I felt his grief and confusion, and it resonated deeply with me. We had been battling infertility for over two and a half years. While this timeframe may seem modest, for those of us in the 35+ category, the Baby-Making Clock feels like it’s racing against us. We had undergone several rounds of fertility treatments and faced two miscarriages. We were at a crossroads, uncertain about our next move.
The Complex Struggle of Infertility
Infertility is a complex struggle. It’s challenging physically, emotionally, mentally, and relationally. You dream of embarking on the parenting journey together, yet despite your best efforts, it feels unattainable. It’s akin to planning an exciting vacation, only to find that your car won’t start on the day of departure. You try everything you can think of to fix it—praying, crying, and even cursing while you pray—but eventually, you realize you’re stuck in the driveway.
It feels like each of you is carrying 97 buckets of complicated emotions. Amid the chaos of doctor visits, tests, and the dreaded timing of intimacy, you might accidentally spill one of your emotional buckets all over your partner. Suddenly, they’re not just carrying their own buckets; they’re drenched in yours too. It can get messy.
Lean In
Now, you might expect me to share a list of seven steps to strengthen your marriage while navigating infertility. However, distilling it into a simple formula seems superficial and misses the essence of the experience. So, here’s the gist: Lean in.
Lean into each other when fear strikes. Lean in during moments of feeling flawed and broken. Lean in when yet another colleague announces their pregnancy at work. Lean in when you feel overwhelmed and consumed by the unfairness of it all. Lean in when frustration mounts because it feels like your partner isn’t understanding or supporting you adequately. Lean in when your coping styles clash. Lean in when loneliness threatens to engulf you, making you feel isolated in your struggle.
Of course, this advice doesn’t apply if your partner is abusive, neglectful, or otherwise unsafe. In such cases, please seek professional help. This also doesn’t imply that you should never take time for yourself or seek support elsewhere. It’s crucial to have a network of people who offer comfort and a listening ear without judgment.
However, if you consistently find yourself reaching out for support outside your relationship, it might be time to pause and reconsider. Your partner is your teammate, your co-captain on this journey. They understand the challenges in ways no one else can. They won’t always get it right, and they may say things that make you question if they’ve adequately edited their thoughts before sharing.
Yet, still lean in. It’s difficult, but when we approach each other with our vulnerabilities laid bare, we allow our partner the sacred opportunity to support us, and in turn, we can support them. Healing one another’s wounds creates a bond that transcends ordinary exchanges. Infertility can feel like an uphill battle, but together, you can emerge stronger, united, and ready to embrace parenthood—however it may unfold. If you’re looking for more information on navigating this journey, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
Infertility is a shared struggle that impacts both partners deeply. It’s essential to lean into each other during tough times to foster connection and support. Recognizing that both partners carry their emotional burdens can help navigate the challenges of infertility and strengthen the relationship.