Parenting
By Jamie Thompson
A recent study suggests that calling our children ‘smart’ may actually lead them to cheat. Parenting research can often be enlightening, guiding us toward better practices for raising our little ones. However, this new finding has me questioning everything, and I might just start communicating with my kids using only grunts—because at this point, any words seem risky.
Published in the journal Psychological Science, the study titled “Praising Young Children for Being Smart Promotes Cheating” involved 300 preschoolers in China who played a guessing game. Some children were praised for their intelligence, while others received praise for their performance, and some didn’t get praised at all. The results showed that those labeled as ‘smart’ were more inclined to cheat when the researchers stepped out of the room.
This research builds on the work of Carol Dweck from Stanford, who has dedicated four decades to studying the ‘growth mindset.’ This mindset emphasizes that intelligence can be developed rather than being an inherent trait. It makes sense that children deemed ‘smart’ would feel pressured to maintain their status, fearing that failure would denote a lack of intelligence. While I’m not dismissing this study as “junk science,” it certainly gives me a headache. Soon, when my child completes a math problem correctly, I might just stare blankly and say, “You calculated.”
Reading about optimal ways to praise our kids can be insightful, but many parents now feel as if they’re walking on eggshells while trying to engage their toddlers in conversation—like negotiating with terrorists for hostages!
Numerous resources offer guidance on how to praise effectively. For instance, an article in Parents Magazine titled “How To Praise Your Kids” lists ten helpful suggestions, such as avoiding excessive praise, highlighting effort, using body language, and steering clear of sarcasm. While these tips seem fair, they can turn compliments into a clinical exercise.
Picture this exchange:
Child: “Mom, check out my drawing! It’s us and Daddy!”
Mom: (consults notes, clears throat) “Well, you’ve certainly created a drawing, and it appears to be a sun. Just a reminder, suns typically lack faces. Yet, you used a lot of yellow, and it looks like you put effort into drawing us, even if we generally have more than three fingers and our heads aren’t proportionately larger than our bodies. Nice try! With practice, you could improve even more. Now off you go. Mommy appreciates your effort.”
If an adult spoke to you this way, you’d likely think they were the most pretentious person around. And if your boss praised you like this, you would assume you were on the verge of being fired. Imagine wrapping up a project at work and your boss just giving you a pat on the back, saying, “Thank you. You seemed to have put in a lot of effort.” You’d be cleaning out your desk well before lunch.
There’s no argument against the value of praise, but it shouldn’t prevent us from complimenting our kids. If you hesitate before offering kind words, your child will pick up on that. We all want to do what’s best for our kids, and it’s clear that saying, “Wow, you’ve been really working hard on that song! I’m impressed,” is far more beneficial than, “That was the best rendition of Hot Cross Buns ever. You’re a genius!” Our children should know they mean the world to us, and we shouldn’t hesitate to express that, as long as it’s balanced with honest feedback.
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In summary, while research warns against labeling our children as ‘smart’ for fear of fostering cheating, we still need to express our love and encouragement in a balanced manner. Navigating praise requires a thoughtful approach, but it’s essential for nurturing our children’s growth and self-esteem.