Using Pets as Practice for Parenthood: 78 Engaging Steps

At home insemination

Many people embark on pet ownership thinking it will gear them up for the challenges of parenting. I was in that camp too. However, the real issue isn’t that pets can’t teach you about parenting; it’s that the way many people care for pets often doesn’t translate well to raising children. I want to share some actionable insights on how pets can truly ready you for the adventure of parenthood.

1. Start with a dog and a cat. If you’re aiming for a larger family dynamic, consider adding more pets to reflect diverse personalities and needs. Extra points if they bicker like cats and dogs.
2. Apply chunky peanut butter to the cat’s backside (trust me, this will come in handy later).
3. Dress the cat in a diaper.
4. Outfit the cat with a onesie, pants, socks, and a hat.
5. Take the dog outside for potty time—bring the cat along! Kids can’t be left alone, after all. The dog swears he doesn’t need to go.
6. Time to dress the dog! He needs a shirt, pants, socks, and shoes.
7. Your dog insists, “I can do it myself!” so let him attempt to tie his shoes.
8. Frustrated, you take over, but the dog goes stiff as a board and refuses to wear the shoes. You’re running late.
9. Where’s the cat? You frantically search while wrangling the dog.
10. The cat has knocked over the fish bowl and is trying to snack on the fish. Rescue the fish!
11. The dog witnessed the incident and looks at you with sad eyes, begging for you to fix the situation. Place the fish back in the bowl, refill it, and text your partner: “Only an exact replica of Bubbles will do!”
12. Bathe the cat, which is now a mess from the fish bowl incident (seriously, how has that fish survived three months without a water change?).
13. Oh no, there’s peanut butter everywhere on the cat. Stay calm; you don’t want to traumatize the poor feline. Smile while you clean up.
14. Time for the cat’s bath.
15. As you wrestle the cat into the tub, the dog decides to jump in, fully clothed.
16. Bathe both the cat and the dog.
17. Of course, the dog poops in the tub.
18. Quickly pull the wet cat and dog out before they touch the mess.
19. Use a fish net to retrieve the poop while holding a screaming, soapy cat.
20. Move to another bathroom to finish the bath.
21. Redress both pets. While dressing the dog, the cat has unraveled a roll of toilet paper and consumed some.
22. Both pets are hungry. Prepare an organic bento box for the dog while you “breastfeed” the cat.
23. Leave the mess for your partner to handle.
24. Secure the pets in their car seats and start your beach outing.
25. Alternate between Christmas carols sung by dogs and Disney songs by cats.
26. Stop at a store for supplies.
27. The dog is asleep; the cat has vomited on himself. Clean up the cat and wake the dog, who is now grumpy.
28. Load both pets into the shopping cart. The dog is upset about sharing space with the cat, leading to a shopping trip filled with whining.
29. At checkout, ensure the dog doesn’t snag any candy and prevent the cat from knocking any items off the shelves.
30. Pay for the candy your dog devoured and apologize for the mess the cat created.
31. Back in the car, turn on static to help the pets nap during the drive.
32. Enjoy the static for the entire trip.
33. Arrive at the beach! Both pets are still asleep. Sit tight and wait for them to wake.
34. They’re up! Load them into the stroller with your beach gear, and be careful not to bump anyone.
35. Apologize profusely for bumping into several people with your umbrella and cooler.
36. Apply sunscreen to the dog, but let him roam free in the water while the cat needs to stay dry.
37. Slather thick baby sunscreen on the cat.
38. Supervise the dog in the water while keeping the cat safely on the shore. The cat shrieks at the sight of water.
39. It’s lunchtime! Try to discreetly breastfeed the cat while ensuring the dog eats his organic meal.
40. The dog finishes first while the cat is still eating. Maintain control so the dog doesn’t beg from others.
41. The dog needs entertainment while the cat naps.
42. The dog’s urgent potty call results in an accident. Cover the mess with sand.
43. The cat wakes up, and it’s time for another swim. Repeat steps 36-38.
44. Time to head home! Gather everything and retrace your steps back.
45. Let the dog walk back to the car, stopping to inspect every little thing along the way.
46. Apologize to those you slow down as you walk, again bumping into them with your gear.
47. Place the pets back in their car seats. They’re hungry again, so offer the dog some cereal puffs to share.
48. Arrive home just as your partner gets back! The dog bolts inside, making your job a little easier.
49. Retrieve the cat, only to find the dog has smeared cereal mush all over its face. Carry your sticky cat inside.
50. You catch your partner giving the dog a new fish, but it’s too late to stop them. The dog races off excitedly.
51. Your dog is distraught, realizing Bubbles is gone. Tears are flowing.
52. Comfort your dog and start planning a funeral for the fish, inviting Nanny and Poppy.
53. Nanny and Poppy arrive and quickly critique your housekeeping and parenting.
54. Bite your tongue to suppress the urge to respond.
55. Hold the fish funeral.
56. The dog insists on Nanny and Poppy staying for dinner, citing post-funeral etiquette.
57. Hand off the parenting duties to your partner and the grandparents while you whip up a three-course dinner.
58. The dog turns down your meal, having devoured candy from Nanny’s purse instead.
59. Attempt to eat your meal while breastfeeding the cat with your non-dominant hand.
60. Clean the food off the cat.
61. Nanny and Poppy leave! Too soon, you think.
62. Time for the bedtime routine. It’s your partner’s turn to handle baths.
63. Use the bathroom before enjoying a glass of wine to celebrate.
64. Forget the cat used all the toilet paper. Wait for your partner to finish bathing the pets to ask for some.
65. Your wet dog brings you a roll of toilet paper.
66. The dog comments on your body, saying your tummy looks like a donut he wants to eat.
67. Longingly gaze at your wine while you haul your wet dog upstairs.
68. Swap pets with your partner so the dog can hear “Goodnight Moon” countless times.
69. Breastfeed the cat in the nursery while listening to white noise—no checking your phone allowed.
70. After 45 minutes, you successfully put the cat down for a nap.
71. The dog is still awake. Try to sneak away unnoticed.
72. You’re caught! Cuddle up in the dog’s bed and read more bedtime stories.
73. Leave the dog sleepy but awake and head downstairs for that glass of wine.
74. The dog demands a glass of water. Send your partner to quench his thirst.
75. The commotion wakes the cat, so put down your wine and start the nursing routine again.
76. Repeat the nursing cycle every couple of hours.
77. After a 4 AM feeding, Google “Sleep training” until the 6 AM feed.
78. Rise at 6 AM to a hungry cat and a dog who has had an accident in bed.

Repeat these steps for a decade, with new scenarios and unexpected surprises that you never thought you’d encounter.

In summary, while pets can offer valuable lessons in care, responsibility, and patience, the chaos they bring is only a taste of what parenting will entail. For those interested in understanding the nuances of starting a family, consider the insights from this article on home insemination kits. To further explore the journey of conception, check out this insightful guide. Additionally, Progyny serves as an excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination.