What insights about happiness have you gained that you didn’t have at 18?
Zane: Like many young people, I was plagued by self-doubt and a lack of self-awareness. I reacted to my emotions as if they were weather patterns—unpredictable and originating outside of me. Fear, anger, and sadness could easily consume me. At that age, I lacked perspective. Every experience felt new and overwhelming, much like a caveman confused by the disappearing sun. Just thinking about it makes me want to comfort the first 18-year-old I see.
As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned to identify my feelings and their sources. When I find myself feeling down or irritable, I mentally rewind to pinpoint the trigger. For instance, I might realize, “I’m frustrated because I let household chores interfere with my writing,” or “I was fine until I heard that news story that sparked my anxiety.” The sooner I address these triggers or acknowledge them, the quicker I can regain my balance. And if the issue is complex, at least I reassure myself that I’ve navigated through tough times before. That’s perspective—that’s the gift of experience. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Do you find yourself engaging in habits that hinder your happiness?
I’m in recovery from being a control enthusiast. Whenever I try to dictate someone else’s actions, I set myself—and them—up for disappointment. In my memoir, I discuss how micromanaging my partner’s interactions with our children during the early parenting stages was incredibly damaging. When your behavior conveys a lack of trust in another’s ability to make decisions, you create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
“It amazes me that family life can bring such joy. I never viewed myself as particularly nurturing or even suitable for marriage.” This tendency can be quite subtle, so I must be mindful of my intentions when offering advice or assistance to others. Sometimes, the greatest support you can give is simply expressing your belief in someone else.
Have you noticed behaviors in those around you that significantly affect their happiness?
There’s a fantastic quote by a musician that resonates with me: “Most of the things I worry about never actually happen.” A significant portion of unhappiness stems from fears about events that don’t occur. Life undoubtedly brings genuine sorrow, but when I check in with myself, I often find I’m okay today. It’s the worries about tomorrow or regrets about the past that trouble me. Staying present is challenging, even when that moment is often quite pleasant.
Has your happiness level remained consistent, or have you experienced periods of extreme joy or sadness? If so, how did you navigate those changes?
I grew up in a northern climate, and I often joke that it wasn’t until I moved to a sunnier region that I realized I’m a naturally cheerful person. It’s true; I’m sensitive to light. If we have a stretch of cloudy days, my mood plummets. The beauty of my hometown is undeniable, but there’s a reason its capital has the highest number of pubs per capita in North America—I’d have turned to self-medication otherwise.
Were you ever surprised by how something you anticipated would bring happiness didn’t, or vice versa?
I often marvel at how raising a family can bring such profound joy. I never imagined myself as overly maternal or particularly inclined toward marriage. I thought my life was destined for grand adventures beyond the confines of a white picket fence. Instead, I discovered that the most extraordinary experiences came after what I once considered “the happy ending.” It’s the small, everyday moments that feel most transcendent—when I realize, “This is bliss, right here and now.”
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Summary:
The essence of happiness often lies in appreciating simple, everyday moments rather than chasing grand expectations. As we grow older, we gain perspective on our emotions and learn that genuine joy can emerge from unexpected places, such as family life. By recognizing our triggers and focusing on the present, we can cultivate a more fulfilling existence.