Life can be tough. “Stop complaining.” “Why are you so sensitive?” “It’s not that serious.” “Get over it.” “You’re fine.” “Leave me alone.”
I’ve heard these statements countless times from various people, including other parents. Regrettably, I’ve found myself echoing similar sentiments to my own children. When they’re upset over something that seems trivial to me, my instinct is to point out how ridiculous it is.
Just the other day, my daughter came to me in tears after a disagreement with her sister. Since I viewed the conflict as minor and was busy with my own tasks, I brushed her off as if she were just an annoying fly, dismissing her emotions as mere overreactions. But then I stumbled upon the concept of “gaslighting,” which made me realize (with a hefty dose of guilt, of course) that I had been unintentionally gaslighting my kids, a behavior more common among parents than we might think.
The term “gaslighting” originates from a 1938 play titled Gas Light, where a husband manipulates his wife into doubting her own perceptions by dimming the gas lights and insisting nothing has changed. Over time, she begins to question her own reality, leading to a distorted sense of self. In essence, gaslighting involves convincing someone that their feelings and experiences are incorrect or misguided.
Most parents, myself included, have likely fallen into this trap without malice. We don’t intend to harm our children; rather, we believe that encouraging them to “suck it up” will help them develop resilience. We fear that if we don’t toughen them up, they’ll struggle with life’s challenges, and that would somehow be our fault.
However, dismissing their emotions is not justifiable. When we invalidate their feelings, we send the message that their natural reactions are wrong. Our children look to us as their primary authority figures, and when we disregard their emotions, we teach them that they cannot trust their own judgments.
Imagine viewing the world through their limited experiences. While an adult may know that struggling to tie shoelaces isn’t catastrophic, to a child, it can feel monumental. Similarly, if I were facing a serious issue, like my car breaking down without the means to fix it, I wouldn’t appreciate someone telling me to just “get over it.” This expectation is not only unrealistic but unfair.
By gaslighting our kids, we risk instilling a belief that they must hide their feelings. They learn to question their instincts and avoid seeking help due to the fear of ridicule. This undermines their self-confidence and can have long-term repercussions, especially during adolescence when they face peer pressures.
We aim to raise children who can handle life’s ups and downs without getting overly emotional. Yet, if we realize we are gaslighting them, it’s crucial to reassess our parenting approach. By showing empathy and allowing them to express their feelings, even if we don’t entirely understand their reactions, we foster emotional intelligence and understanding.
So, how can we avoid gaslighting? We can start by genuinely listening when our kids express sadness or discomfort, and validating their feelings. For instance, even insisting they keep eating when they claim they’re full can be a form of gaslighting. It’s essential to build a foundation of trust where they feel believed, which will, in turn, help them believe in themselves.
In summary, while the desire to raise resilient children is noble, it is vital to acknowledge and validate their feelings. By doing so, we equip them with the emotional skills necessary to navigate their own lives effectively. For those interested in exploring more about home insemination, check out this informative post. Additionally, for expert guidance on fertility and IVF, visit this clinic, and for a deeper understanding of the IVF process, you can read this resource.