As I watched my 12-year-old daughter, Lily, roll her eyes and march upstairs, it was clear that she was upset with me. The slight forcefulness of her door closing was a telltale sign of her frustration, which stemmed from her recent use of ask.fm—a platform we had explicitly prohibited. According to ask.fm’s Terms of Service, users must be at least 13 years old, aligned with the Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act. We had set firm boundaries about this, and yet, she argued, “But I don’t have an account! You never said I couldn’t use it without one.” This was her way of challenging our rules, leading to the eye roll and her abrupt exit.
Later that night, as my husband and I reflected on the evening’s events, I found myself questioning my parenting choices. Was I being overly strict? Was I a helicopter parent? I paused and recalled the wise words of football coach Lou Holtz: “Know your mandate.” This phrase resonated with me and helped clarify my role as a mother, reinforcing my confidence in the decisions I make for Lily.
My Parental Mandate
To me, my parental mandate encompasses several key responsibilities:
- Ensure my child’s safety
- Promote her health
- Show love and affection
- Provide her with a solid education
- Instill respect and responsibility, including adherence to rules and laws
While every parent may interpret their mandate differently, these principles are paramount in my view. I understand that I cannot protect Lily indefinitely; as she matures, my role will shift to teaching her how to safeguard herself.
Fulfilling these responsibilities demands time and energy, which can often feel scarce. However, knowing what doesn’t fall within my mandate is equally crucial. I must remember that:
- I am not my child’s friend.
- It’s not my job to fulfill all her desires.
- My decisions don’t have to align with those of other parents.
- I am not her entertainment committee.
- Ultimately, I am not responsible for her happiness.
The last point is particularly challenging. Many parents dislike being the source of their child’s unhappiness, even though most children may think otherwise. I remind myself that Lily is in charge of her own happiness.
Tweens and teens are capable of taking responsibility for their actions, although they often choose not to. Making wise decisions can lead to greater happiness, and part of my role is to let them experience the consequences of their choices. This process can be painful but is essential for growth.
Understanding my mandate also strengthens my resolve when facing pressure from peers or differing parenting styles. I recognize that my rules regarding social media use may differ from those of other parents, and that’s okay. This clarity allows me to confidently navigate parenting challenges.
Lou Holtz may not have intended to provide parenting advice, but his insight applies well beyond the football field. Understanding your mandate makes it easier to stay focused on your goals. In the realm of parenting tweens and teens, any support in maintaining your course is invaluable.
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In summary, knowing and understanding your parental mandate helps anchor your decisions, even in the face of challenges. As you navigate the complexities of raising tweens and teens, this clarity can be your greatest ally.