The teenage years can often be overshadowed by a barrage of negative feedback. They hear they aren’t working hard enough, aren’t paying attention, and aren’t good enough. This constant focus on their shortcomings can be overwhelming for adolescents. But how frequently do we celebrate what they actually are?
Gathering around the dinner table with my son Lucas and his friends is one of my greatest joys. We delve into various topics — from politics to relationships, and of course, food. These boys have been part of our household gatherings since they were young, and I have always cherished the laughter and camaraderie that fills our home. However, this past weekend, a familiar sentiment emerged — the feeling that teenagers are often defined by what they lack rather than their strengths.
At school, peers can be merciless, emphasizing what one isn’t. Coaches can also focus too heavily on the negative. When academic performance dips, the “aren’ts” can flood in from all directions, creating an atmosphere of frustration and self-doubt. I understand the reasoning behind the rules: if they meet expectations, they wouldn’t be subjected to such negativity. But let’s be honest, who among us has always adhered strictly to the rules?
I take pride in my own abilities — I’m dedicated and constantly seek to learn and grow. I embrace my quirks, and I know my son and his friends will be just fine even if they don’t meet every expectation all the time. My approach is to offer them grace, guide them positively, and encourage them to discover their “are.”
It’s crucial for them to recognize and embrace who they are. These affirmations will provide strength during difficult times — be it losing a job, facing rejection, or navigating life’s uncertainties. If we, as parents, contribute to the chorus of negativity about what they aren’t, we risk losing their trust and connection.
Mistakes should not define them. Instead, they can serve as stepping stones toward self-discovery. Their “are” is a constant presence, unshaken by external perceptions. For instance, you may not excel in math, but you might be a gifted writer. You might feel out of place in social settings, yet you are an unwavering friend.
It is essential to acknowledge that both aspects can coexist. Instead of framing statements with “but,” which diminishes their worth, we should use “and” to validate their multifaceted identities. If we consistently reinforce their strengths, they will gradually begin to disregard the negativity from outside sources.
To my boys, I want you to know that I will always recognize and celebrate your “are.” Our home is a sanctuary where your true selves can thrive. When the world’s criticisms become overwhelming, remember that my voice will always be here to remind you of your worth.
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In summary, it is essential to shift our focus from what our teenagers are not to what they are. By fostering a nurturing environment that emphasizes their strengths, we can empower them to navigate the challenges of adolescence with confidence.