During the early days of the pandemic, I often found myself gazing out the window, feeling lost and untethered. Decision-making became a monumental task, whether it was choosing a restaurant for takeout or contemplating whether to invest in a stationary bike. When I finally made a choice, it frequently felt incorrect or out of character. A constant undercurrent of fear and anxiety enveloped my days.
After a dismal fall and a dreary winter, the arrival of spring brought a glimmer of hope. Initially skeptical, I began to feel optimistic that the worst was behind us. However, that optimism quickly unraveled, giving way to overwhelming waves of rage.
I wasn’t just sad; I was infuriated. Each day, I found myself grappling with a simmering anger lurking beneath a seemingly calm exterior. My family was healthy, vaccinated, and we lived in a community with strict mask mandates that eased my worries. I had a fulfilling job, a strong marriage, and enjoyed spending time with my husband. So, what was the issue? Well, just look around – the chaotic state of the world.
In the early months of the pandemic, confusion and exhaustion took hold. I lost track of time and struggled with what I should be doing — decluttering closets, napping, updating my resume, or just taking another walk. Eventually, that mental haze transitioned into severe anxiety and a persistent sense of gloom. Despite my outwardly functional day-to-day life—working, volunteering, doing household chores, and connecting with friends—I felt a profound sense of dread.
When asked how I was doing, I wrestled with my response: Should I divulge that I felt crushed by quarantine fatigue and disheartened by the rampant conspiracy theories and lack of empathy among people? Or should I express gratitude for our health, the safety of my family, and the comfort of our home? Ultimately, I was too worn down to reply with anything more than, “I’m fine… I guess.”
Now, nearly a year later, those feelings persist. Despite the intense anger and disappointment over the ongoing pandemic, I find myself unexpectedly happy. This contradiction is confusing. How can I feel such rage and sadness in the midst of what seems like a good life? It feels illogical, almost cruel. So, what gives?
The answer lies in the concept of ambiguous loss. Early in the pandemic, discussions around grief emerged, highlighting our collective mourning for normalcy, security, social connections, and even jobs. A year later, many of us are still grappling with those losses. For those of us who are highly sensitive, there’s an added layer of mourning—our faith in humanity has been shaken. I’ve always believed that people are inherently good, and realizing that this belief may not hold true has been deeply unsettling. But can we truly grieve the loss of faith in humanity? Absolutely.
According to Dr. Pauline Boss, who introduced the theory of ambiguous loss, we face a myriad of unrecognizable losses. These include the loss of trust in the world as a safe space and the disruption of our daily routines. The current state of uncertainty can lead to a stagnation of grief, where pain becomes “frozen.”
To move forward, Dr. Boss suggests releasing the need for closure. There’s no definitive end to the losses we’ve experienced; they are more like a patchwork quilt. Instead of attempting to erase the sadness, she recommends finding purpose in our grief. This notion feels daunting. Last year, I channeled my feelings into securing vaccine appointments for loved ones. Now, however, I struggle to transform my anger and grief into something constructive. I’m just a writer, a mother, a wife, and a friend trying to navigate these complex emotions.
I hope that one day I’ll discover a way to create meaning from this challenging time. More importantly, I hope we all can find ways to heal. In the meantime, perhaps sharing my story will help someone else feel a little less alone in their journey.
If you’re looking for more insights on this topic, you might find our blog post on home insemination helpful, as well as resources from Intracervical Insemination or the Genetics and IVF Institute for further reading.
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In summary, it’s essential to acknowledge the complex emotions we’re experiencing during these unprecedented times. Our feelings of rage and sadness, despite having good aspects in our lives, are valid and stem from a range of ambiguous losses. Allowing ourselves to grieve and finding purpose in our experiences can help us move forward.