It’s a familiar scene when my pre-teen daughter harshly demands to know where her favorite shirt is. Or when my partner stomps through the door after a rough day, wearing a frown and saying nothing. Even a simple phone call from my dad, reminding me that I haven’t checked in recently, triggers something deep inside me. And when a colleague commends my work or a friend offers a compliment, I find myself paralyzed.
I feel nothing.
In these moments, emotions briefly flicker just beyond my grasp, only to vanish before I can truly understand them. It’s akin to erasing words from a whiteboard before I’ve had a chance to read them. When faced with negative interactions, that numbness turns into frustration or shame. I scramble to figure out what I could have done wrong. If I can’t find anything, I end up feeling fundamentally flawed and unworthy of love, leading me to withdraw.
Conversely, when someone expresses kindness, I become highly uncomfortable. I can’t comprehend why anyone would view me as special or remarkable. It makes me feel like a fraud, and I become anxious, thinking I must earn that praise in some tangible way.
For years, I buried my feelings of overwhelm and discomfort, unaware of why emotional exchanges left me feeling unsettled, as if my heart were empty and my stomach hollow. Connecting with loved ones—even those I cherish—has always been a daunting task.
That is until I stumbled upon a term while researching for an article: childhood emotional neglect (CEN). Coined by clinical psychologist Dr. Emily Carter, CEN describes a parent’s failure to adequately respond to a child’s emotional needs. When this occurs, a child cannot discern whether their feelings are valid, resulting in profound self-doubt and a warped self-image.
If you grow up believing your emotions aren’t worthy of acknowledgment, your sense of self-worth diminishes. Feelings can become “bad” when raised in an environment where they are dismissed or ignored.
If you’ve never heard about childhood emotional neglect, you are not alone. Dr. Carter notes that “psychology often overlooks emotional neglect, often grouping it with emotional abuse and physical neglect.” It’s challenging to recognize this form of neglect, as it’s not overt. You can’t see it like a child’s bruised cheek or hear their grumbling stomach. As a child, you may not even realize it’s happening, and as an adult, specific memories may elude you since it was merely a condition of your surroundings. CEN is an invisible barrier that often remains undetected until symptoms arise years later.
Upon reviewing the symptoms of CEN, I saw so much of myself reflected back at me. Individuals affected by this form of neglect often feel numb, sense a void, exhibit perfectionist tendencies, and are highly sensitive to rejection. Out of the 22 symptoms listed, I identified with all but two.
Yet, I struggled to accept that I had been emotionally abandoned by my parents. Given my background, it seemed far-fetched. Materially, I had everything—a comfortable home, nutritious meals, summer vacations, quality education, and a circle of friends. From the outside, my family appeared happy and successful.
However, the reality was more complicated. My father frequently traveled for work and was often exhausted and stern when he was home. I aimed to be the “good girl,” excelling in school, caring for my younger sibling, and keeping to myself. My mother, although a stay-at-home mom, battled severe unhappiness, even being diagnosed with depression later on. Some days, she would remain in bed, and no one asked me about my feelings or experiences at school. When visiting friends, I would find it odd when their mothers inquired about our day.
It turns out, my parents’ interactions exemplify two of the five parenting styles that commonly lead to emotional neglect: authoritarian and absent. The remaining styles include permissive, narcissistic, and perfectionist, among others.
After thoroughly exploring the concept of childhood emotional neglect, I recognized without a doubt that I had experienced it. It was devastating—no child wants to acknowledge that their parents may have unintentionally harmed them. But there was a sense of relief in finally understanding the emptiness that had shadowed my life. The hopeful aspect is that those who endure childhood emotional neglect can work toward rebuilding a positive sense of self. A crucial step is recognizing your emotional needs and believing you deserve to have them fulfilled.
Gaining insight into my emotional struggles inspires hope, not only for me but also for my children. Being aware of what I lacked as a child makes me particularly sensitive to ensuring my kids receive the emotional support they need. This isn’t an easy task for me; my children’s emotions can be intense. My instinct is often to shy away from the chaos, but I remind myself that they deserve empathy and love. Even when I feel overwhelmed, I strive to validate their feelings.
While this may seem straightforward to some parents, it remains a challenge for me—one I am committed to facing so my children never doubt their self-worth.
For those navigating similar journeys, exploring resources like this excellent guide on pregnancy or learning about the at-home insemination kit may provide valuable insights. Additionally, for those impacted by recent events, understanding childhood emotional neglect in the context of COVID-19 can also be enlightening.
Summary:
Childhood emotional neglect (CEN) occurs when a parent fails to meet a child’s emotional needs, leading to self-doubt and a negative self-image. This form of neglect is often overlooked in psychology and can have lasting effects into adulthood. Recognizing and addressing CEN is vital for rebuilding a positive sense of self and fostering healthy emotional connections, especially for parents striving to provide better emotional support for their children.