It’s Thursday, and I’ve managed to shower only once this week. I’m not particularly proud of this. My armpits emit a strong odor reminiscent of onions, vinegar, and an assortment of meats — like a bustling Italian deli. My scalp itches, and oils have built up, mingling with dead skin, remnants of hairspray, a week-old gel, and flakes. My clothes are stained with food and sweat. It’s been nearly 48 hours since I’ve changed my hoodie, undergarments, or pants. The reason? I’m struggling. I’m deeply depressed, and sometimes, showering feels like an unbearable task.
Depression is a familiar enemy. I’ve navigated these waters before and will likely do so again. Living with bipolar disorder, anxiety, and PTSD means that depression is one of my constant companions. While bipolar depression shares similarities with typical depression — feelings of sadness, lethargy, hopelessness, and apathy — there are unique aspects to my experience that only those with bipolar depression might understand.
When I’m in a depressive episode, irritability takes over. I become snappy and quick-tempered, snapping at those around me without reason. Just this week, I slapped my son’s hand because he was too joyful, too energetic. Depression for me is a cycle — I oscillate between phases of hypomania and deep apathy. It’s a struggle filled with racing thoughts and overwhelming despair. During these times, all I desire is solitude; not because I want to be alone, but because I long to hide away from the world. When I’m depressed, energy and motivation elude me. I sleep through the night and nap during the day, not out of necessity but because being awake feels like too much effort.
I cry silently, and my screams go unheard. It’s as if I’m drowning, battling wave after relentless wave. My emotions are heightened, with everything feeling amplified. My mood swings, a hallmark of bipolar disorder, become even more pronounced.
I know I’m not alone in this struggle. Bipolar disorder affects approximately 5.7 million Americans, which is about 2.6% of the adult population in the U.S. That makes me one of nearly six million individuals living with this condition. Though bipolar depression is challenging and often makes daily existence feel like an uphill battle, it’s not my everyday reality. With the help of medication and therapy, most days, I find a semblance of normalcy and balance.
According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), “Proper treatment helps most people living with bipolar disorder control their mood swings and other symptoms.” Bipolar disorder is a chronic condition, meaning ongoing treatment is crucial. Fortunately, many individuals with bipolar disorder lead fulfilling lives. Healthline notes that “people with bipolar disorder can experience long periods of even, balanced mood called euthymia,” meaning there are times when symptoms are absent.
However, my depression isn’t straightforward. I often zone out and numb myself, sometimes resorting to drinking until I black out, a symptom of my manic episodes. Recklessness surfaces during these cycles, along with emotional volatility and impulsivity. As I mentioned earlier, irritability is a clear indicator of my mania. My temper flares up like the character Anger from “Inside Out.” Yet amidst all this, there’s a profound sadness. My sense of purpose wanes, and I often feel trapped in a cycle of hopelessness, wishing for an end.
Yes, suicidal thoughts visit me regularly, and I have acted on them twice.
The silver lining is that on most days, I feel “normal.” I know myself well enough to sense when an episode is approaching. I felt this current wave of depression creeping in days before it fully engulfed me. I informed my therapist and reached out to my psychiatrist for coping strategies, but the inevitable still occurred. I fell into depression once again.
I’m reminding myself that falling is not equivalent to failure. I refuse to give up. Although depression is painful, it isn’t eternal. This too shall pass, and it’s perfectly fine not to be okay. Sometimes, stillness and naps are essential. Just getting out of bed can be a victory in itself.
If you’re interested in more on this topic, check out this insightful article on bipolar disorder and its effects. You can also explore expert advice from Intracervical Insemination on managing symptoms. For those seeking additional resources on pregnancy and home insemination, News Medical provides valuable information.
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In summary, living with bipolar depression is a complex journey filled with highs and lows. While the struggle is real, understanding it can aid in finding the right support and treatment. It is crucial to remember that you are not alone and there is hope for brighter days ahead.