Understanding the Constant State of Being Triggered

Parenting Insights

The Reality of Living in a Triggered State

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The term “triggered” is often thrown around, but it specifically refers to a response that arises from a certain action, situation, or process. For those with a history of trauma, however, this response takes on a deeper meaning: it’s a trauma response. A reminder of past trauma can make someone feel as if they are reliving that painful experience. And it can be incredibly challenging.

My Experience with CPTSD

I live with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD), which frequently stems from childhood trauma. My own challenges arose from being raised by narcissistic parents. I was often the scapegoat; my mother would project her desires onto me, only to punish me harshly when I didn’t meet her expectations. This led me to adopt coping mechanisms that justified her behavior, making me feel perpetually wrong and inadequate. Compliments felt disingenuous, and I internalized a belief that I was a failure.

Nothing I did could ever satisfy my mother. Despite my academic achievements, I was always deemed insufficiently smart or attractive. My attempts to educate my children through homeschooling were constantly scrutinized. I was only acknowledged for being thin, which eventually contributed to the development of an eating disorder that resurfaced in adulthood when my mother relocated nearby. Talk about being subconsciously triggered.

As a child, I was told I lacked common sense and was blamed for not having friends while enduring relentless bullying. My mother’s comments made it clear that I would never measure up to others. She refused to address my severe mental health struggles, believing it would reflect poorly on her as a parent.

The need to please my mother became ingrained in me. I longed for long blonde hair, as my trauma therapist helped me realize that my mother had always cut my hair short while allowing my brother’s hair to grow long, celebrating his beauty. Even at forty, I was unaware that my choices were still influenced by the desire for her approval and affection that I would never receive.

Navigating Trauma Therapy

I am currently in trauma therapy to help reclaim my life and make my own decisions, such as embracing my short dark hair. It’s an arduous journey. I initially believed therapy would focus on significant events, like bullying or being labeled ungrateful for an ill-fated horse deal. However, that’s not the case.

I can recount those stories without becoming overwhelmed; they’ve become a part of my narrative. Trauma therapy is about reconstructing that narrative and confronting how deeply damaging my experiences were. It often hits me unexpectedly: a realization of how abnormal and horrific my past truly was. This leads to moments of intense emotion, often culminating in tears as I find solace in David Bowie’s music.

The Cycle of Triggers

There are times I mistakenly feel sympathy for my mother, thinking she might not fully grasp the impact of her actions. My husband has reassured me that we’ve made efforts to reconcile, and I understand now how she controlled me. This has led to nights of tears and sleeplessness; that’s what being triggered feels like.

In therapy, I discussed my fleeting guilt towards my mother. The following day, I stumbled upon an insightful essay that accurately described narcissistic family dynamics. As I read, my heart raced, and when I hit a particular line about the suppression of self in the face of a narcissistic parent, I knew I was in for an emotional breakdown. After finishing the essay, I found myself overwhelmed, screaming in my car for several minutes, needing to process the intensity of my feelings.

The day after, I faced another trigger when my husband expressed anger—not directed at me, but it still sent me spiraling back to my childhood fears of male aggression. Instead of confronting it, I retreated, unable to function.

Even in seemingly mundane moments, like reading a book with dark themes, I found myself triggered, reflecting on past traumas. I contemplated these feelings deeply, which left me emotionally drained.

Three days later, I finally felt a sense of relief from the constant triggers. They often come in waves, and while my therapist assures me that this intensity won’t last forever, the exhaustion from navigating this journey is profound. Learning to make my own choices is worth the struggle, though it can be isolating. If you need me, I might be hiding away with some David Bowie tunes.

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Summary:

Living with a history of trauma can lead to a heightened state of being triggered, where past experiences resurface unexpectedly. For those navigating CPTSD, the journey through trauma therapy can be challenging yet ultimately rewarding. It’s essential to confront the past and learn to make choices that foster personal growth, even amidst the emotional turmoil.