A month ago, my second child was brought into the world through a scheduled C-section. As I lay there on the operating table, I thought, “He’s almost here!” But then a wave of anxiety hit me: “What if this happens again?” I tried to shake off the fear. After all, I had done my homework. I had open discussions with my physician, explored treatment options, and set up my support system. What more could I do?
What I refer to as “it” is my version of how the characters in Harry Potter avoid saying Voldemort’s name. “It” stands for postpartum depression and anxiety. Three years earlier, when my first child was born, the experience was a whirlwind of emotions, intensified by unexpected challenges. Then, a few weeks post-birth, I woke up to my first panic attack.
In the days that followed, panic attacks became my unwelcome companions, robbing me of sleep and leading to digestive distress. One day, while driving home from the store, I found myself in a U-turn lane, not wanting to return to my house, my husband, or my precious newborn daughter. Overwhelmed with guilt, I wondered why I wasn’t the blissful, carefree mother I had envisioned. What type of person wanted to flee from her own life?
Ironically, I work in the mental health field and could easily identify the symptoms of depression and anxiety, along with the coping strategies. Yet, I struggled to pinpoint my own issues. After countless Google searches, I stumbled upon a description of postpartum anxiety that resonated deeply with me. I thought, “Oh God… This is me.” Following my own advice, I scheduled a doctor’s appointment, secured a therapist, and began medication. However, I quickly learned that accepting help was a greater challenge than I had anticipated.
Fast forward to my first prenatal appointment for my second pregnancy. I approached my doctor with, “I’m pregnant again, and I need to avoid a repeat of my last experience. What can we do to keep ‘it’ at bay?” I planned to start medication right after delivery, have a therapist ready, and ensure my support network was strong. Throughout my pregnancy, I reminded myself, “You must prioritize your well-being.”
Fast forward to six days after giving birth. I awoke to a panic attack. “This can’t be happening again,” I thought. The following day brought another episode, along with an overwhelming desire to escape. My anxiety escalated, making it impossible to relax or sleep. The intensity of my feelings mirrored my previous experience.
“What kind of mother am I?” I asked my husband. “Who has a baby and wants to run away?” The relentless questions echoed in my mind. Once again, I swallowed my pride and reached out to my doctor. That night, I sat with my baby, consumed by guilt and dread, questioning whether I would ever find my way out of this darkness.
Now, I’m not back to my old self, but I see a glimmer of hope ahead. Living through postpartum depression and anxiety is a stark contrast to merely discussing the symptoms. These are genuine illnesses that can plunge a person into despair, filled with doubt, anger, and guilt. They require treatment, compassion, and understanding—they are not reflections of one’s worth as a mother.
To anyone facing similar struggles, I want you to know that I understand you. I see you, and your feelings are valid. There’s no shame in seeking help, no matter what the inner critic tells you. You are deserving of support, and that will ultimately benefit you and your loved ones.
To friends and family members of those grappling with postpartum challenges, your support is invaluable. You may feel helpless, but simply being a listening ear or a comforting presence can make a world of difference.
And finally, to my “it,” while I may dislike you deeply, you’ve taught me the importance of seeking help. You’ve illuminated the love and support surrounding me and showed me that even in darkness, there is a path to light.
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Summary:
Navigating postpartum panic attacks can feel isolating and overwhelming. This journey involves grappling with feelings of inadequacy and guilt, despite having a strong support system. Acknowledging these feelings and seeking help is essential for recovery. Understanding that postpartum depression and anxiety are legitimate conditions can empower those affected to seek the compassion and treatment they deserve.