In my exploration of life, I realize that knowledge is limited. However, I believe I have gleaned enough insight—at least some of the time.
What I truly lack is the experience of parenthood. Accepting that a child was on the way was a monumental moment for me, as it marked the end of my life as I knew it. We started purchasing books, finding humor in our lack of understanding. I experienced nausea, acknowledging that each discomfort was fortifying our baby. My partner, Alex, beamed as he cradled my belly, recognizing that we were creating something beautiful together. The ultrasounds we saw left us in awe, highlighting our inadequacies in comprehending the miracle of life. We became concerned about finances and daycare arrangements. We debated names while shifting our carefree summer plans of beach outings to preparing the nursery and diligently taking prenatal vitamins.
Then came the heart-wrenching realization that the life growing inside me wasn’t strong enough to thrive; no matter our hopes, it became clear that it wouldn’t take nine months for us to welcome our child. Instead, the journey was cut short at three months, and we faced the painful acceptance that our little one would not come to be. This loss deepened our longing for a child, making us more committed to the idea of parenthood. Those emotions linger, intensifying our resolve, and when the next baby arrives, that child will be enveloped in an abundance of love.
I’ve also come to understand what it means to find contentment. My life has often been a race toward the next big achievement; striving to be the best, the brightest, and the most articulate. This constant pressure has not only been burdensome but counterproductive, causing me to overlook the small, meaningful moments accumulating over time. Now, at thirty, I reflect on all the instances I wished I had savored rather than relegated to memory.
I rushed through my education, my relationships, and my career aspirations. In this sprint, I lost sight of the fact that the mind processes change much faster than the heart can handle. Just like a marathon runner fixates on the next checkpoint, I focused solely on the finish line. Yet, upon reaching it, I often neglected to acknowledge the challenges faced along the way. I would look back at the total distance covered but overlook the struggles that shaped my journey. Our minds tend to remember accomplishments, but it’s the heart that holds onto the defining moments of our experiences.
What I know is that I have a family that many dream of having. My mother, who lives for my happiness, is invaluable. I took her presence for granted for a time, but I now recognize that as much as I aspire to be a good mother myself, there is a part of me that fears I may fall short. She is the kind of mother who crafted beautiful wings for me, ensuring I never flew too close to the sun; and if I ever did, she would catch me like Icarus. My brother, Jake, lies awake at night, no matter the time zone, until my partner sends a reassuring message: “She’s okay, asleep, will call you in the morning.” Our family dynamic is such that we cannot function properly unless we all know each other is alright.
We may fight against it—ignoring phone calls or delaying texts—but we are not whole until we are all accounted for. It is in these moments of connection that our family finds strength, bonded through love that requires no words. I strive to embody the qualities of the mother who raised me.
My partner, Alex, loves me deeply—not in a grand, performative way, but in the quiet understanding that we share a life together. When faced with difficult news in a doctor’s office, he looks to me for guidance, not just confirmation. He absorbs the bad news, wanting to shield me from its impact. I cherish him immensely and have no intention of letting him go. Remarkably, my mother trusts him to care for my heart, a bond that is rare and precious.
Life rarely unfolds as we envision; it is shaped by experiences we never anticipated. Life is what happens in the minutiae of our daily existence, colored by our interactions and shared laughter. It is not merely the culmination of our dreams, but rather the evolution of who we have become. Without regrets or comparisons, we are defined by our beliefs and the love surrounding us. And in my family, that love is unconditional.
That is what I know, for now.
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