As our grasp of ADHD evolves with advancements in neuroscience, it’s become increasingly apparent that individuals with this condition—including my friend—aren’t simply “lazy.” Brain imaging reveals that certain regions in the brains of those with ADHD are underdeveloped, particularly the areas linked to executive functions such as planning, prioritizing, focus, and emotional regulation. For someone with ADHD, completing daily tasks can be significantly more challenging than it is for others. While their outward behavior may appear lethargic, internally, they are often exerting tremendous effort.
The Complexity of Understanding Others
We recognize that people are diverse. Some individuals are more prone to stress or emotional upset, and everyone has unique preferences for music or activities. I enjoy running in the rain, for example, but I know that not everyone shares my enthusiasm. However, it can be difficult to truly comprehend how another person’s inner world might differ from our own.
Consider a scenario where a friend confides in you about feeling sad or overwhelmed. If you feel you understand her feelings even slightly, it’s probably because you relate it to a similar experience of your own. Now, envision a different situation where your friend states, “I feel so glubby today.” When you ask her to clarify, she explains that “glubby” is a term she invented to describe her emotion. In this case, you find yourself unable to empathize because you lack a framework to connect with her unique experience.
The Psychology Behind Empathy
Why is it challenging to grasp experiences we haven’t encountered? Research in psychology and neuroscience indicates that we often rely on “simulation”—imagining how we’d react or feel in someone else’s situation. This process occurs automatically and often without our conscious awareness.
While this method can foster quick empathy, it has limitations. We cannot simulate experiences we have never undergone, leading us to mistakenly assume others share more similarities with us than they actually do.
The Depth of Our Differences
There’s compelling evidence that people may experience the world in fundamentally different ways than we anticipate. For instance:
- Some individuals possess vivid mental imagery, while others cannot visualize at all. Surveys from the late 19th century by Francis Galton revealed significant variability in this capacity, leading to debates about whether visual imagination was merely a phrase or an actual phenomenon.
- Color blindness can go unnoticed for years, meaning someone might perceive colors in a way that is entirely distinct from the majority without realizing it.
- A person could lack a sense of smell and be unaware of the differing experiences others have with scents. As one person described on Quora, he behaved as if he had a sense of smell, only to discover later that he didn’t, leading him to think his experience was universal.
- While many people find sexual desire to be an intrinsic part of life, surveys indicate that around 1% of individuals identify as asexual, experiencing no sexual attraction whatsoever.
Misunderstandings and Their Consequences
The ability to empathize by considering how we would feel in another’s position is invaluable, but problems arise when we overestimate our understanding. In the case of ADHD, when someone struggles to accomplish tasks, we may mistakenly equate their experience with our own “off” days, leading us to label them as lazy. This perspective overlooks the reality that their challenges may be far more complex and demanding.
This misunderstanding can extend to mental health issues. Personally, I had never experienced severe depression and thought it simply involved feeling sadder than usual for an extended period. However, after reading a revealing post from a popular blog, I learned that depression often manifests as an inability to feel any emotion, which was a revelation that deepened my understanding of the condition.
Miscommunication can also affect daily interactions. For instance, if Bob feels hurt by something Anna says, she might be taken aback, unable to fathom the offense. This gap in understanding can lead to conflict, as Anna may think Bob is being unreasonable instead of considering that he might be reacting differently than she would.
Enhancing Our Understanding of Others
Former U.S. defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld once differentiated between “known unknowns” (things we know we don’t know) and “unknown unknowns” (things we don’t know we don’t know). In our quest to understand others, we frequently encounter unknown unknowns, as it is almost impossible to envision an experience we haven’t had. However, by recognizing that others may possess experiences and motivations beyond our comprehension, we can transform these unknowns into known unknowns.
Next time you find yourself making a judgment about someone or assuming you understand their feelings, take a moment to reflect: Could they be experiencing something entirely different? Or better yet, ask them directly.
This article was originally published on November 23, 2014. For further insights, check out our piece on how Make a Mom helped them seize their opportunity for success, which showcases expert advice on navigating personal challenges. Additionally, for those exploring pregnancy options, this resource on in vitro fertilisation provides a wealth of information.
Summary:
Understanding others can be complicated due to the inherent differences in experiences and emotions. While we often rely on our own feelings to empathize, this can lead to misconceptions, especially concerning mental health issues or conditions like ADHD. By acknowledging the unique perspectives of others, we can enhance our empathy and improve our relationships.