We’ve all witnessed that child at school—the one who hurls insults, makes snide remarks, or tries to dominate games. As a parent, it’s heart-wrenching to see your child hurt others, and it can be infuriating to navigate this reality.
Hello! I’m the parent of what some might label a “bully,” but for now, I prefer “perceived bully.” I see bullying as a deliberate attempt to harm or intimidate others, and while many attribute such behavior to poor parenting or negative influences, the truth is more complex. Sometimes, it stems from special needs.
I have multiple kids, each with unique challenges, and two of them have been labeled as bullies—one at home and another at school. My daughter, who struggles academically, has a heart of gold. She takes medication for her behaviors, and though she starts her day in a hyperactive state, she quickly transforms into the most helpful member of our family. She loves to snuggle, assist with chores, and is an enthusiastic social butterfly, eager to engage with her friends.
However, as the year progresses and her medication begins to wear off, her struggles become more pronounced. Transitions, line-ups, and recess often lead to hurtful comments directed at her friends and siblings. By the end of the school day, the challenges escalate.
As the holidays approach, I usually start receiving messages from teachers, parents, and even neighbors, informing me about my child’s behavior. I appreciate the open communication, as it allows me to address her actions and teach her valuable lessons. However, for children with special needs, grasping the concept of cause and effect can be incredibly difficult. They may not fully grasp that their words can hurt others or that cheating in games can lead to exclusion.
While my kids can unintentionally cause pain, they do not harbor ill will or seek to harm anyone deliberately. Their behaviors stem from their unique challenges—there’s no malice behind their actions, just an inability to navigate social norms due to their conditions.
Being the parent of a perceived bully is tough. Each time I receive a message about my child’s behavior, it serves as a reminder of her struggles. Although she has friends, deep connections can be hard to establish because of her challenges. In elementary school, this might not be as crucial, but as kids enter middle and high school, friendships and social invitations become vital.
I know my child can act mean, but I also understand her intentions. It pains me to see her misunderstood, especially given the battles she faces due to circumstances beyond her control. I share this perspective not only to connect with other parents of special needs children but also to reach out to the parents of kids on the receiving end of hurtful behavior. I apologize for the pain caused—my child genuinely cares and never intends to hurt anyone.
We must approach these situations with grace. Remember, they are still children, often battling challenges that are invisible to others. It’s okay to explain to your child that my child has special needs and that sometimes she may need extra help in social situations.
Let’s foster understanding and kindness rather than labeling children as bullies. Many kids who exhibit difficult behaviors are grappling with challenges that are far from their control. With compassion and education, we can create a more inclusive environment for everyone involved.
In conclusion, remember that my child is not a bully, and I urge you not to encourage your child to avoid or retaliate against her. Instead, let’s work towards fostering kindness and understanding.
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