“My tummy hurts.”
“I can’t sleep.”
“Can you shut the closet door?”
“Can I sleep with you?”
Do these phrases resonate? You’re not alone, and neither is your child. It’s common for kids to experience anxiety when separating from their parents, meeting new faces, or attending a sleepover for the first time. Many children even go through a phase of wanting to sleep in their parents’ room. However, most toddlers eventually outgrow this phase. What isn’t typical is when a child struggles to sleep through the night, misses school, has spontaneous meltdowns about leaving their parents, or declines sleepovers with close friends. I wish I had recognized the signs earlier. It’s easy to dismiss tantrums and nighttime fears as mere childhood phases, but I learned the hard way that these issues can linger.
Before I became aware of the situation, we endured countless sleepless nights, frustrated days, and exhausting weeks. I was at my wit’s end. Children naturally find their way to sleep; they don’t spend two years wrestling with the idea of sleeping in their own room without help. But my daughter did.
Research indicates that around 12 percent of children experience separation anxiety disorder before turning 18. While this isn’t a vast percentage, it’s significant enough to warrant discussion. There should be resources available for parents to discern between typical anxiety and what requires attention. Just as you know the symptoms of the flu, where is the guide for anxiety? Reflecting on our journey, I wish I had been more aware of the warning signs, but many of my friends had children with various sleep issues. Living through it, I felt isolated in facing these overwhelming challenges.
During a phase when I had to travel for work several days a week, my absence was torture for both of us. Phone calls home were filled with tears as my daughter, Lily, begged me to return. My husband, Tom, was stressed and struggled to manage Lily’s emotions, especially during those chaotic mornings when I was away. I felt intense guilt, torn between comforting Lily and urging her to toughen up and go to school. I often ended those calls in tears myself, repeating, “This too shall pass.”
That all shifted when Lily’s kindergarten teacher mentioned, “It’s wonderful to have you back – no more stomach aches.” I was taken aback. Those daily episodes had been occurring without my knowledge. It became clear that her distress was tied to my absence. Lily had been worried about my safety during flights, but she lacked the words to express her fears, and we hadn’t asked the right questions.
As I began to spend more time at home, things improved. Lily felt more secure, and her anxiety lessened. She attended school without issue, enjoyed her teachers, made friends, and returned to her joyful self—until she didn’t.
You know how the saying goes: when he was good, he was fantastic, but when he was bad, it was a disaster? Well, I can attest to that. Lily began refusing playdates unless they were at our house. She expressed feeling trapped at school and was constantly worried. Changes in plans led to massive tantrums and inconsolable tears. She stopped attending sleepovers, and when she did go, she often required a midnight pickup.
After years of sleeping soundly in her own room, Lily abruptly stopped. Initially, we thought it was a bad dream, but as the sleepless nights continued, we found ourselves checking her room for monsters and threats. Fear consumed her thoughts—what if there was a fire? What if someone broke in? What if she or her brother was taken?
Clearly, something deeper was at play. Attempts to reassure her through logic were futile, and sleep became elusive for everyone involved. When we reached our breaking point, we sought a counselor to help Lily confront her fears. However, the return of her stomachaches and mounting panic regarding school indicated that she was still struggling. This stress was affecting all of us; Tom couldn’t grasp the reality of Lily’s fears, leading to tension in our home.
We tried numerous strategies to calm her down—consistent bedtime routines, warm baths, bedtime stories, and soothing rituals. We explored meditation and calming music to no avail. It became evident that Lily’s anxiety had taken root, necessitating professional intervention.
Our new therapist was a breath of fresh air for Lily. She enjoyed her sessions and appreciated having a safe space to voice her fears. At this point, one of us still slept in her room. We attempted to leave after she fell asleep, but that only resulted in more tears. The therapist proposed a gradual approach: after putting Lily to bed, we would sit in a chair in her room, then slowly move to the hallway over several nights, inching further away until we could return to our own room.
The therapist’s strategies proved invaluable. She encouraged Lily to articulate her fears, which was challenging but essential. By discussing her “What Ifs,” we could help her rationalize her anxieties. For example, when she expressed fear about a fire, we could ask if she had ever known anyone who had experienced one, gradually alleviating her concerns.
Another effective technique involved Lily picturing her fears and giving them a name. Drawing them helped create distance between her and her anxieties. We even found humor in the process, allowing her to playfully confront her fears and diminish their power. One significant breakthrough was when the therapist recorded a calming meditation specifically for Lily, guiding her on relaxation techniques to employ during tough nights.
As we began to see progress, Lily established her own sleep goals, creating a reward system for her achievements. This newfound sense of control empowered her, transforming her determination into success. Ultimately, Lily realized she could conquer her sleep challenges on her own, leading her to successfully attend sleepovers again.
Recently, she returned from a three-week service trip where she didn’t know anyone, a testament to her growth and resilience in overcoming her fears.
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In summary, navigating my child’s sleep issues revealed a deeper struggle with anxiety. Through professional help and gradual strategies, we learned to confront those fears together, leading to a happier and more restful household.