So, you’re partnered with a stay-at-home parent? In today’s world, many parents juggle their professional responsibilities alongside family life. The outdated notion of a partner coming home from work to relax while leaving childcare duties solely to their spouse has mostly faded away. I’ll assume that you, dear reader (can I call you POSAHP?), are a proactive partner who strives to support your stay-at-home husband, wife, or partner.
I happen to have a fantastic POSAHP myself. My partner is not only involved with the kids but also a culinary genius (seriously, his lasagna is to die for!). However, even if you’re among the most engaged partners (and I’m sure you are if you’re reading this), there are some realities of life as a stay-at-home parent that may be difficult to fully appreciate.
I don’t claim to represent every stay-at-home parent, but I suspect my experiences resonate with many. Here are four important truths to consider.
1. We Crave Time Away from the Kids.
I get it — you’re working full time and have a limited amount of time to tackle chores around the house. Your weekend list might include tasks like mowing the lawn or organizing the garage. While those tasks are important, your stay-at-home partner likely longs for a break from the kids. You may have noticed how they quickly hand the kids over to you as soon as you walk in the door, right?
Being a stay-at-home parent is exhausting in a way that’s hard to articulate. It’s not the same as dealing with high-stakes situations in finance or medicine. Instead, it’s a relentless routine that steadily drains your energy.
Want to wash your face? Good luck; your toddler might be getting into the bathroom trash. Want to eat lunch? Your baby insists on being held, only to want down a moment later, and then back up again. This cycle of demands is unending. While the challenges may not seem monumental, the cumulative effect can leave one feeling utterly spent.
So, keep this in mind, POSAHP. Communicate openly about each other’s needs and prioritize what truly matters so your partner can enjoy some much-needed downtime.
2. If the House Looks the Same When You Return, We’ve Been Busy.
My home is in a constant state of “organized chaos.” I’m not talking about a hoarder’s nightmare, but there are always toys scattered around, magazines in disarray, and a trail of miscellaneous items leading down the hall.
A less understanding partner might walk in and think, “What did you do all day?” But while you were away, your stay-at-home partner likely dealt with countless messes. Think about it: every time the kids play, a new mess appears. If they opened all the art supplies, your partner probably spent a significant amount of time cleaning up afterwards.
So when you walk in to find the house looking less than pristine, remember that your partner has been hard at work all day.
3. Productivity Is a Constant Challenge.
As I try to prepare dinner, my baby might be pulling dish towels out of drawers. Just when I think I can finally sort through the kids’ clothes, my little ones discover a stuffed animal with a tear and proceed to throw the stuffing everywhere.
Every completed task seems to spawn a new one, and while you might wonder about naptime, it’s not always the peaceful break many assume. Some stay-at-home parents work from home during naptime, and even if they don’t, that precious time is often used for essential chores or a quick moment of self-care. So if you come home to find that the laundry isn’t folded or the bathroom isn’t spotless, cut them some slack.
4. We Are the Primary Caregivers, Even When You’re Home.
There’s a subtle dynamic that often goes unnoticed. Because I’m with the kids most of the time, I automatically take on the responsibility for their care, even when my partner is home. If I need to step away for a moment, I have to arrange things, often asking, “Can you watch them while I do this?”
This may not seem like a big deal, but it can feel psychologically taxing. As a partner, you can probably announce your intention to take a shower without a second thought, knowing the kids will be fine. For a stay-at-home parent, that kind of freedom is a luxury. So, be aware of this dynamic and try to share responsibilities as much as possible.