Dear Ava and Liam,
It feels strange to refer to you as my parents. In my heart, I’ve never truly had parental figures. You were physically present, but emotionally absent.
For years, I wrestled with feelings of anger. You were correct in saying I struggle with anger. Being told to suppress negative emotions, shamed for expressing pain, and manipulated into doubting my own reality all contributed to my issues with anger. You instilled in me the belief that feeling anger made me a bad person, while you were free to be explosive and verbally harmful without consequence. This left me confused, questioning my own sanity and worthiness of life.
My anger also turned inward. Why wasn’t I lovable enough? Why didn’t I measure up? I convinced myself that I was the problem. You taught me that accountability was solely my burden. I took it upon myself to shoulder the blame for your actions.
But I was just a child. You were the adults; the responsibility was never mine.
I understand I wasn’t perfect. Yes, I may have caused you stress at times, and I recognize that you faced challenges of your own. But that does not absolve you of your actions. You are still in the wrong.
I’ve longed for genuine apologies, hoping that perhaps I could reconnect with you if I believed you had truly changed. Yet, your apologies feel insincere. You utter them only because it’s expected, not because you genuinely feel remorse. They seem aimed at restoring the status quo, rather than acknowledging the harm done.
What you fail to grasp is that your idea of normal is far from acceptable. I refuse to return to that way of life. Your apologies only promise a return to self-loathing, fear, and a sense of being unloved.
Your expressions of regret hurt more than silence. You seem to think that parents shouldn’t need to apologize to their children. When your apologies come with demands for me to simply accept them and not be upset, I realize that my hopes for your change are futile. You believe parents are always right and that children should respect them unconditionally.
I did respect you. But I believe respect must be earned, and so too must the absence of disrespect. While I would never intentionally hurt you, I can no longer respect those who continuously harm their children, taking advantage of their forgiveness rather than appreciating the opportunity for growth.
The last time we spoke, Ava, you made a passive-aggressive remark: “I hope nothing ever goes wrong with your children.” I understood your true intent. You seem to wish that my children will distance themselves from me, allowing you to maintain your narrative of innocence. Similarly, Liam, in your last letter, you lamented the challenges of parenting, hoping I would face similar struggles and come to the same conclusions as you.
These words were deeply painful, making me feel invalidated and shattering any hope I had for change in you.
Yet, I want to express my gratitude.
Thank you, Ava and Liam, for demonstrating the vital need for parents to apologize to their children. Thank you for showing me that respect isn’t a given and must be earned through responsible actions. Thank you for illustrating that apologies must be genuine and backed by actions that foster trust and safety.
I appreciate these lessons, as they have shaped my approach to parenting. If I ever hurt my children, I will strive not to repeat your mistakes. I will not shy away from admitting when I’m wrong or acknowledge when they are right. My children will feel safe to express their feelings openly, knowing I will listen without gaslighting them.
Thank you for teaching me how it’s NOT supposed to be done.