Dear Sara and Tom,
It feels strange to refer to you as my parents. In truth, I’ve always felt parentless. You were present in the physical sense, but emotionally, you were absent.
For years, I have wrestled with anger. You were right about one thing: I do struggle with it. Being told I couldn’t express negative feelings, facing shame for my hurt, and being manipulated left me with unresolved anger. You instilled in me the belief that anger made me a bad person, while you displayed volatility and verbal abuse without consequence. This left me bewildered, doubting my own sanity, and questioning my worthiness of life.
The anger I felt toward you morphed into anger directed at myself. Why wasn’t I lovable? Why wasn’t I interesting? Why wasn’t I enough? I internalized the belief that your actions were my fault, a lesson you taught well — that you were never accountable. I’ve played the role of the obedient child, shouldering the blame for your shortcomings.
Sure, I wasn’t perfect. I may have caused you stress at times. Yet, that was never my responsibility. You, as the adults, should have known better.
I have longed for genuine apologies, but what I receive are empty words. You express remorse because it’s expected, not because you truly feel it. Your apologies seem aimed at restoring your comfort rather than creating real change. You want to return to the past, where I felt unworthy and unloved.
Your apologies wound deeper than silence. You seem to believe that parents should never apologize to their children. When you follow your apologies with demands for me to accept them without question, it reinforces my understanding that you see parenting as a position above reproach.
I did respect you. However, respect is earned, and I cannot respect those who inflict harm on their children repeatedly, exploiting their forgiveness rather than recognizing their privilege in receiving it.
The last encounter I had with you, Sara, your passive-aggressive comment was, “I hope nothing ever goes wrong with your children.” I understand what you meant: you secretly wish for my children to distance themselves from me so that I might finally comprehend your perspective. Tom, in your last letter, you spoke about the difficulties of parenting, implying that turmoil was an excuse for your behavior.
These exchanges hurt deeply, invalidating my feelings and crushing any hope for your change.
And yet, I want to express my gratitude for these lessons.
Thank you for illustrating the necessity of adults owning up to their mistakes. Thank you for showing me that respect is not an unconditional right for parents. Thank you for teaching me that my actions should never be excused by circumstances. Thank you for reminding me that apologies must be sincere and followed by actions that ensure a child feels safe and valued.
Because of you, I will strive to be a different kind of parent. I won’t be too proud to admit my wrongdoings. I’ll encourage open dialogue with my children, ensuring they can express their feelings without fear of manipulation or doubt. When they think of safety and supportive conversations, I want them to think of their mother.
Thank you for modeling how NOT to parent.
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In summary, I have learned invaluable lessons from my experiences that will guide how I approach parenting one day. Gratitude for these lessons has transformed my pain into commitment for a healthier future.