I will always cherish the memories of our wedding day, despite its chaos. Flowers went missing, some of our bridal party couldn’t make it, and the weather swung from pouring rain to bright sunshine. Yet, in the midst of all that turmoil, you were my calm.
As I walked down the aisle that day, nothing else mattered. You are my anchor; you always have been. But I often ponder if you feel the same way. Would you still stand by those vows today:
- To love and to cherish,
- Through good times and bad,
- In wealth and in need,
- In health and in sickness,
- For as long as we both shall live.
These days are my struggles, my love. Currently, I am not at my best. You have been aware of my battle with depression for over 16 years, and while you entered this partnership knowing those days would come, it doesn’t lessen the difficulty of navigating through them. It doesn’t make it easier for you to love or live with me, and for that, I am truly sorry.
Please understand, I do not regret having depression—it’s an illness I can’t control. However, I deeply regret the hurt it causes you. I’m sorry for the times I’ve ruined outings or left us feeling disconnected. For the family gatherings I’ve skipped and the nights I’ve retreated to bed far too early, leaving you alone with your thoughts. I regret the meals left uncooked and the dishes that pile up. I recognize the toll this has taken on our marriage, including our intimacy.
I know you want to be close to me, to hold me and connect, but sometimes my body reacts in ways I can’t control. I tremble, I pull away, overwhelmed by feelings of shame and fear. While part of this struggle can be attributed to the medication affecting my libido, the truth is that I often feel unworthy of joy.
I apologize for my impatience and frustration that often lands on you. I’m sorry for the times I’ve pushed you away, convinced that you’d be better off without me. You want to support me, yet I find it hard to let you in.
Please know that my love for you remains unwavering. My reactions are not a reflection of you, but rather the chaotic nature of depression. It convinces me I’m unlovable and undeserving.
But I am fighting. I’m going to therapy, taking my medication, and putting in the effort to lift myself out of this darkness because of you. You are my love, my motivation, and my reason to keep going.
After ten years, you are still the calm in my storm. I would renew those vows in a heartbeat, and I hope you would too.
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In summary, despite the difficulties depression brings into our lives, my commitment to you remains strong. I’m working hard to overcome my struggles, and I appreciate your patience and understanding as we navigate this journey together.