Dear Mothers,
You may have a daughter who has always been slender, but it’s far more common to navigate various body shapes throughout life. Many of us have experienced being skinny at 10, then chubby at 13, and perhaps gaining the notorious Freshman 15 at 19. You might have been slim on your wedding day, pregnant, then back to flabby post-pregnancy, only to go through it all again. The truth is, the female body undergoes significant changes influenced by hormones, adolescence, and pregnancy, making it unlikely for any woman to maintain the same weight or shape for extended periods.
While boys also deal with their own body changes, the societal pressure on women is often harsher, placing our bodies under a relentless spotlight. We must confront the attributes society tends to criticize—curves, cellulite, and the natural fluctuations that occur even monthly. You might think that this variability in our bodies would foster compassion among women. Sadly, the reality is that women often judge each other’s bodies more harshly than men do, starting from a young age.
As puberty begins, typically around age 9, girls start to display a remarkable diversity of body shapes. Some remain extremely thin into their teens, while others develop curves and fullness. It’s common to see girls grow taller than their mothers by age 11, while some still appear childlike at 14. My own daughter, while not particularly large, seems older than some of her peers, and my seventh-grader has friends who have already surpassed me in height. This variation in development is normal, yet the way we perceive girls at this stage can be negative, with parents often contributing to this mindset.
If you have a slender daughter, do you feel an unspoken pride in her size? Do you believe you’ve succeeded in some way? Perhaps you worry that she will remain that way. Conversely, if your daughter is on the heavier side, do you find yourself scrutinizing her eating habits or fretting over her body changes? Do you fear for her happiness as she grapples with weight? Many of us might nod in agreement to these sentiments.
These emotions are natural, particularly considering the struggles many women face regarding their own body image. It’s not an exaggeration to describe the feelings of shame and anxiety surrounding body shape as a form of grief. Although I can’t provide a foolproof method to overcome these feelings, I am saddened by how they can cloud our ability to appreciate the unique beauty of our daughters.
Mothers often claim that their desire for their daughters to have a “healthy weight” is for their benefit, and to some extent, this is true. We want our children to thrive. However, when parents of slender girls boast or when parents of larger girls feel embarrassed, it can hinder the unconditional love we should be offering.
Please consider minimizing the emphasis on weight in your affections for your child. You may be unintentionally projecting your insecurities onto her when all you truly want is to love her for who she is. When your slender daughter gains weight during her college years, do you really want her self-worth to be shaken? Should your heavier daughter shy away from the beach for the rest of her life because of swimsuit insecurities? Ultimately, you don’t want your daughter to feel that your love is contingent on her weight.
This message is simple yet profound: Your daughter’s self-esteem should not hinge on her appearance. I know you want her to feel cherished for her true self.
With love,
A mother of two remarkable daughters who are complex, delightful, and always beautiful in my eyes.
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Summary
This letter addresses the fluctuating body shapes of girls and the pressures mothers face concerning their daughters’ weight and body image. It encourages mothers to focus on unconditional love rather than societal standards of beauty, emphasizing the importance of nurturing a healthy self-image in their daughters.